Tag Archives: Tolerance

The Key to Conversation – Dr. Sandy Nelson

Share

If I were to summarize in one sentence the single most important principle I have learned in the field of interpersonal relations, it would be this: Seek first to understand, then to be understood. This principle is the key to effective interpersonal communication. –Stephen Covey, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People

Stephen Covey tells a story of a father who came to him saying, “I can’t images (4)understand my kid. He just won’t listen to me.” Covey patiently tried to get the dad to see the inconsistency of his statement. You don’t understand people by getting them to listen to you. You understand them when you listen to them.

Ever jump to understand a person’s view that disagrees with yours?  The attempt to understand, or even listen, is not the first move of most people in conversation. People tend to jump to judge, to argue, to reject, to debate, but to understand? That’s in a minority of people.

images (66)But we can change that. and we need to. We can accept that listening to a differing view than ours is not going to cause the veins in our foreheads to explode. We can cool our jets of wanting to prove they’re wrong, and listen to others without creating a win-lose competition in conversation.

Listen up! If we want our point to be understood, it’s necessary to practice understanding the point of others. The basis of understanding and connecting with someone requires a lack of Drill-Sargent attitude and defensiveness. Sometimes we’re more interested in proving someone wrong than understanding a person’s opinions and beliefs. Instead of saying, “That’s not right,” it’s better to seek to understand and ask “Why do you think that?” This is the epitome of communicating with respect and unbiased mindfulness. Our relationships need this.

All advances to date in interests of humanity, medicine, and technology images (67)required open minds that sought to understand—that entertained differing views. But for some unfortunate people, most of their so-called reasoning consists in finding arguments to continue on believing as they already do. Their mind is closed. They have already judged their own opinion as being the only true and rational view and cling stubbornly to a mixture of unwarranted assumptions. This is fertile ground for intolerance to flourish.

Practice listening with the intention to understand, even if you disagree.

Think about it.

drsandy@e-couch.net  ♦  ©All rights reserved 2014 Dr. Sandy Nelson E-Couch.net  ♦  Photos courtesy of Pixabay.com

Control Freaks Disassemble

Share

I am a recovering control freak.

images (25)I realized that my effort to control individuals in my life was the opposite of love and respect because my love was conditional on their compliance—agreement with me. That was wrong. I placed these individuals in the position of having no freedom to disagree with me or state different thoughts, opinions, needs, or preferences. I was wrong. People do have the right to see things differently, to prefer something else, and to do things the way I wouldn’t. That’s what I’ve practiced the past decade.

How have you handled individuals who have verbalized their right to say no to you, or to disagree with you? With anger or with respect?

It’s important to accept and respect the opinions, thoughts, feelings, choices, and decisions of every individual rather than see it as a responsibility to convince the person they’re wrong, misinformed, or whatever. When we accept and respect others, we demonstrate healthy, adult behavior and self responsibility—we allow them to be who they are and we focus on who we are.

If we’re upset, mad, resentful, or hurt, when someone disagrees with us, then we’re not accepting and respecting the other person. Were saying that our acceptance of them is conditional on their compliance with our opinions. As you accept others as they are, you become less needy and dependent on them for happiness and well-being. You become more independent and self-responsible.

Wayne Dyer states: Love is the ability and willingness to allow those that you care for to be what they choose for themselves without any insistence that they satisfy you.

We need to grant others the freedom to be themselves and be unlike us. People who accept and respect others don’t withhold their love or approval, don’t use guilt trips, and don’t try to manipulate the situation if someone sees things differently.

belief15Your motive for saying or doing something needs to be one without conditions, strings, or expectations from the other person. This is exactly why knowing your motives and reasons for what you say and do is vital to healthy relationships! Ask yourself: What is my motive for saying or doing this? If it’s to get your way, change the person’s mind, prove that you’re right, gain approval, or criticize, it’s an unhealthy motive.

If you grew up fearing a loss of love if you disagreed with others or didn’t comply with their wishes, then today treating other people the same way is just the reenactment of your childhood atmosphere. You’re doing exactly what the adults in your childhood did, and remember how that impacted you! Take responsibility to correct any thinking that prompts you to control other people.

Think about it.

drsandy@e-couch.net  ♦  ©All rights reserved 2014 Dr. Sandy Nelson E-Couch.net  ♦  Photos courtesy of Pixabay.com

Will you hurry the hell up?

Share

Impatient people are trying to have a life that can never be. They struggle to accept a world that is not perfect. Everyone has a different speed of performing patiencetasks. There will always be situations where delays exist in waiting rooms or waiting in line. Postponements and cancellations are part of life. So is road construction, dead batteries, noise, indigestion, rules, pet hair, potholes, and static cling. But a disturbance in the plans of an impatient individual often produces anger and intolerance. Psychologist and author, Joseph Bailey, says “When you get impatient, you become irritated and judgmental, and that creates distance between you and the other person.”

If you are burdened with impatience, you embark on a never-ending voyage of negativity and unhappiness. When your day is interrupted with delays and inconveniences you may act on faulty thinking and just give-up in a heap of frustration. You might conclude that if there’s going to be obstacles than just forget it—if there’s hassles, then you don’t need the aggravation. You may give up on your job, your education, your relationships, your family. That’s one way that impatience impacts thinking—you give up, quit.

Another outcome from impatience is reactive behavior. You might impulsively do something or say something without thinking—you wig out. When someone isn’t following your game plan, you’re off on a tirade. You explode with criticisms, you make degrading comments—you hurt other people.

As it was last year, last month, and last Friday, the same is true today: you’ll encounter many situations where your way, choice, expectation, or preference doesn’t occur. Around each bend there are cliffs of failure, walls of disappointment, and highways of the unexpected. Each day presents you with numerous moments that require patience—restraint of anger and frustration.

Some people would debate that it’s human nature to be disappointed with an unwanted outcome. That it’s natural to experience frustration when met with defeat. That it’s to be expected to feel a let down when expectations fail to patience1materialize. Yet, the reaction or response to disappointment, frustration, and mistakes that befall human beings varies. Some people display unhealthy tantrum-like opposition in rebellion. Some people, smiling or not, patiently endure waiting with little or no outward demonstration of upset. One thing for sure: you can’t have patience and lack self-control. When you’re impatient, you’re not self-controlled—you’re not in command of yourself. Patience is tolerance that allows and respects others’ preferences or methods without necessarily agreeing. Since an impatient person isn’t a happy person, you’ll not likely experience happiness without a high level of patience—patience with yourself and others.

Think about it. In caring, Sandy

©All rights reserved, 2014, Dr. Sandy Nelson, E-Couch.net

Do you know what having insight requires?

Share
Malcolm S. Forbes once said: The best vision is insight. 
belief15It would seem, today, a lot of people are lacking insight. Their attention is outside of themselves—harping on other people and mostly on what other people are doing wrong. We will not better the world by telling others how to be better while ignoring the responsibility to better ourselves. Obtaining insight requires us to look within ourselves for those traits that hamper relationships, fuel resentments, prolong conflicts, and assist in our misery.
We will have better relationships with other people when we have altered the parts of ourselves that pump doom into those connections. We will have better self-respect when we have a self to respect. We will have a better planet when we take responsibility to correct the mind-set in our own private world.
In Working and Thinking on the Waterfront, American philosopher Eric Hoffer wrote Fair play is primarily not blaming others for anything that is wrong with us. Imagine a planet where blame-shifting was missing. Picture a world absent of faultfinders and their scapegoats.
IMG_0376Now, let’s all do our part in creating that vision. Let’s stop guilt tripping. Let’s stop finger pointing. Let’s stop highlighting mistakes. The more we stop blaming, the more of us there are focusing on solutions, answers, and remedies. Blame keeps us glued to the problem instead of adhered to seeking ways out. Explanations keep us attached to the problem instead of fastened to cures. If we think we hold a superior position on this earth, then it would be better served discovering tonics for peace and tolerance instead of judgment and condemnation.
Think about it In caring, Sandy 
©All rights reserved, 2014, Dr. Sandy Nelson, E-Couch.net

Do you know the cancer of emotions?

Share
Someone very wise once said, “No matter what the problem—relationship conflicts, addictions, work struggles, illness—handling anger and resentments in healthy ways is a key to its solution.”
IMG_0901 - CopyIn the spring of 1894, the Baltimore Orioles came to Boston to play a routine baseball game. But what happened that day was anything but routine. The Orioles’ John McGraw got into a fight with the Boston third baseman. Within minutes all the players from both teams had joined in the brawl. The warfare quickly spread to the grandstands. Among the fans the conflict went from bad to worse. Someone set fire to the stands and the entire ballpark burned to the ground. Not only that, but the fire spread to 107 other Boston buildings as well.
Reactive anger that’s almost always conveyed by ranting insults, threats, and angerintimidation; and often physical abuse, is the cancer of emotions. It’s at the root of almost every emotional and physical problem. Resentment has been called the chief destroyer of the mind and the leading cause of misery, depression, disease, accidents, broken relationships, and criminal acts. Anger that is expressed in a rage, murders. It kills happiness, peace, love, fulfillment, respect, success, and dreams It shortens lifespans.
One of Rome’s most well-loved emperors, Marcus Aurelius, ruled with this wisdom: The most complete revenge is not to imitate the aggressor. Why would not attacking back be the sweetest form of revenge? After all, if you remain calm while the other person continues in a tantrum of yelling criticisms, how would that look? It would look like one of you is behaving like an adult and the other one like a two-year old. Hmm.
Spend today aware of how you convey anger. If it’s common that you “lose your temper,” please understand what your actions do to people around you. This is an agonizing way to live and completely unnecessary for them and you. Behave like an adult.
Thanks for your time and comments. – Dr. Sandy

©All rights reserved, 2014, Dr. Sandy Nelson, E-Couch.net

Is your acceptance conditional?

Share

Tolerance is the belief that people who disagree with us have the right to. Isn’t it important to accept and respect the opinions, thoughts, feelings, choices, and decisions of every individual rather than see it as a mission to convince the person why they’re wrong, misinformed, or whatever if their views are different?
IMG_0251When we accept and respect the beliefs of other people, we demonstrate tolerance—we allow them to be who they are and we focus on who we are. If we become upset, resentful, or hurt, when someone disagrees with our beliefs, then we’re not accepting and respecting the other person. We’re saying that our acceptance of them is conditional on their compliance with our opinions. As we accept others as they are, we’re able to learn about different beliefs and preferences of other people.

Controlling someone is the opposite of accepting someone because the acceptance is conditional on that person’s compliance—agreement with us. We place the other person in the position of having no freedom to disagree with us or state different thoughts, opinions, needs, or preferences. People do have the right to see things differently, to prefer something else, and to do things the way we wouldn’t. They may even be wrong, but people have the right to be wrong.

Look at any need to control other people today; and instead of attempting to sway them to your views, ask more about theirs. Dr. Sandy

©All rights reserved, 2014, Dr. Sandy Nelson, E-Couch.net

Do you feel motivated and appreciated after receiving criticism?

Share

There’s no such thing as constructive criticism. Constructive criticism is an oxymoron—a contradiction. 

When we are criticizing someone, we are assessing that person’s actions and then judging it as right or wrong, good or bad. Who are we to judge? It is only our opinion. I am IMG_0430not referring to moral rights and wrongs or the acts of criminals. I am referring to the everyday critical remarks that seem to flow all too effortlessly from our mouths about someone else’s preferences that do not match ours.

Criticizing is not a good use of our time. Time is too short and valuable to spend it condemning someone else’s preferences.

Today, refuse to criticize anyone, including yourself. You will find the outcome amazingly positive. The voice of the human rights movement, Odetta Holmes, said, “The better we feel about ourselves, the fewer times we have to knock somebody else down to feel tall.” –Dr. Sandy

 

Who is standing in the way of your dreams?

Share

The American author Napoleon Hill wrote, “Until you have learned to be tolerant with those who do not always agree with you; until you have cultivated the habit of saying some kind word of those whom you do not admire; until you have formed the habit of looking for the good instead of the bad there is in others, you will be neither successful nor happy.”

belief16 - CopyIt seems so obvious. People who are demanding, critical, and pessimistic are doomed to a life of unhappiness and defeat. If they would only accept the reality that it isn’t other people who are standing in the way of their dreams; the obstacle is their own thinking.

People who focus on the worse are not able to attract the best into their lives. The more intolerant and demanding a person is, the less success he or she will reap. If you will today, practice respecting and accepting the differing opinions of others, speak of what’s positive in another person, and tag the good in situations, you will be well on the path of happiness and success. –Dr. Sandy