Tag Archives: Past

As Time Goes By

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Time.

timeThe patron and adversary of life: time. It controls us, one, and all, as time goes by. It determines events—births, games, classes, weddings, flights, celebrations, deaths.

It changes the seasons. It ages all life and sparks the new.

It’s a priority—be on time. We give it honor and respect, we thank you for this time. We curse it, what’s taking so long? Waiting lines and wait lists. All as time goes by.

Time. A commodity that cannot be ruled or bought or threatened. It cannot be stolen, bribed, or tortured. It shares itself equally.

It’s a mentor and master for the zealous. A lifetime teacher.

I’ve learned as time goes by—
I’m happier with myself.
The more I say, “I don’t know the answer.
The greater my gratitude.
The more I realize I’ve been wrong about some things.
The less I give advice.
The more I see God in everything.time2
The lighter life’s burdens.
The less I complain.
The more I know my limitations.
The less I want to impress.
The better I am at admitting mistakes.
The more accepting I am of others.
The less I criticize and judge others.
The greater my faith in God.
The sillier and playful I am.
The more I give freely.
The better my life.

If only I had more time.  As time goes by.

FullSizeRender (8)Think about it.

drsandy@e-couch.net  ♦  ©All rights reserved 2014, Dr. Sandy Nelson, E-Couch.net  ♦  Photos courtesy of Pixabay unless otherwise noted

Dealing With Change

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It’s quite humorous to think we can cling to a comfortable redundancy—days ord83194e0-d432-4f1b-a35d-5ac0bd979803-medium years of routines that have brought solace through familiarity. We even may be proud that nothing can or will change us. I envision the universe chuckling at our unwavering stubbornness as the seasons and currents are ever-changing and taking us with it, ready or not.

Lucy: Do you think anybody ever really changes?
Linus: I’ve changed a lot in the last year.
Lucy: I mean for the better.
—Charles Schulz

How silly to think we can be the only elements in a vast universe unaltered by time or change. If we realized how natural and often we alter our opinions, the idea of change would not be so scary. The truth is that we change constantly. Our taste, our preferences, our appetite, our hairstyle, and our favorite color are just a short list of aspects in our lives constantly being altered.

President John F. Kennedy said: Change is the law of life.

We can resist change—even refuse to change, but that will not stop change from occurring. The seasons consistently change and so do our circumstances. The people in our lives change, too. Everything is in constant modification. Today, look around you and note the things that are in a state of constant change—trees, flowers, children, pets, gasoline prices, appetites, even moods. We redecorate to make a change. We even move for a bigger change.IMG_2946

But sometimes change is no laughing matter. Unwanted change requires a letting go of a security and safety found in a way of life we’ve always known. This is true when we lose someone or something close to us. As life thrusts us forward, what we leave behind is a part of ourselves. Loss causes a basic and radical alteration in all those experiences of assumptions underlining our lives. It demands a reconstruction of who we are, without what we had.

Think about it.

drsandy@e-couch.net  ♦  ©All rights reserved 2014 Dr. Sandy Nelson E-Couch.net  ♦  Photos courtesy of Pixabay.com

 

Dealing With Loss

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photo-camera-219958_150In the past decade, Americans have endured such ruin and bereavement that it compares to the years of the Great Depression under the failed policies of Hoover¹. People have lost their jobs, their savings, their homes, their cars, plus in many cases, their self-confidence. And there’s still an additional one in three Americans on the verge of financial ruin.²

American author and Social Worker Virginia Satir wrote: Life is not the way it’s supposed to be. It’s the way it is.

Well, unless you’re rich, the way it is sucks. It’s a good thing that we’re Americans because there are days that it’s only that spirit that has kept us going. It’s that tenacity found in our heritage that stirs the fight to endure. That and are own guts.

Psychologist and Business Consultant Dr. Kathryn D. Cramer says: People who suffer a loss must reinvent their lives.

Really? You think?

That reinvention isn’t a choice, it’s survival. It’s motivated by a resentment that isn’t often able to let go of the whys, the regrets, the anger, and the pressing sadness.

No one wants to grieve this crap. No one looks forward to Friday because they plan on grieving over the weekend. Grieving involves sadness, regret, heartbreak, weeping, suffering, and pain. Who wants to experience all that, at the same time, for a period of time?

It’s not only loss that requires change, it’s reality. It’s not optional. Something 793c70f5-805c-4b35-8655-785a91de8436-mediumisn’t the way it used to be and will never exist again. Something isn’t the way it should be and never will be again. The purpose of grieving is to adjust to the change in life that reality demands. It’s to bring us to the point of making necessary changes so we can adjust in healthy ways, even if we resent having to do so.

Think about it.

¹http://www.vanityfair.com/news/2007/12/bush200712

²http://www.marketwatch.com/story/1-in-3-americans-on-verge-of-financial-ruin-2015-02-23

drsandy@e-couch.net  ♦  ©All rights reserved 2014 Dr. Sandy Nelson E-Couch.net  ♦  Photos courtesy of Pixabay.com

Do Men Owe Women? Before you say yes, read this

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In our civilization, men are afraid that they will not be men enough and women are afraid that they might be considered only women. -Theodor Reik (1888-1969) Psychoanalyst

How many times in your life, have you been in love? A man and woman union with love at its axis is a new pattern in human history. So, starting from the images (37)beginning of time until around 1930, love had literally zilch to do with matrimony. It’s reasonable to conclude that your great grandparents’ wedding was arranged without love’s infringement. Throughout history marriage has been the artifact of economic and political arrangement agreed upon by the parents of the couple, or by the government of the times that dominated the social law of wedlock. History reveals even in America, marriage has been faithfully a merger of need or convenience, not an act based on choice and love.

It was not until the late 18th century that a few male leaders of society began to toy with the novelty that marriage would be better if based on the passionate feelings and free choice of both individuals in the relationship. This change of heart represented the male concession to woman’s rights and their fight for Antisuffragists-e13299347546061equality in the early 1900s. However, even as recent as 1960, marriage remained a lopsided union between an obedient wife and a leading man—wives were to be compliant housewives and mothers, with men the superior breadwinners. Love might have been present in this union, but the pyramid of power had only one person at the top—the man—the husband and father. This is still true, today, in various cultures.

For centuries, young women were stuck, however reluctantly, to culture rules regarding female and male intimate relationships. They learned early from their Kitchen Scenefemale predecessors what to anticipate from a man, and it was rarely the promise to love, honor, and cherish with equality and faithfulness. Women may have doubted male superiority, but men remained with the power in the relationship. Societies squelch the female aptitude so women traditionally were dependent on a man to provide money, protection, food, and shelter. Any goals women may have had, like fulfilling personal aspirations, pursuing a talent or education, or insisting on an equal say in a relationship were not an option. Women, traditionally, were expected to tolerate male behavior. It was customary for our ancestor sisters to suffer irresponsibility, deceit, injuries, drunkenness, infidelity, rape, imprisonment, degradation, and inferiority in any relationship with a man.

Men have historically been in conflict with other men while their maltreated, indifferent women laid in waiting with Band-Aids and a beer for the heroic return. Traipsing off to battle to conquer a kingdom was (and still is) a guy thing. Men by nature compete to be right, to win, to have control, and to rule. Whether it was off to war or off to the saloon, men thought of a woman in basically the same category as wanting a hot bath and a turkey drumstick.

A look at women in history helps explain why relationships today with men are so screwed-up:

IN THE BEGINNING 4000 B.C. – 450 B.C. (about Genesis – Jonah)
~Women were prohibited to have a say-so anywhere, about anything.
~Women were denied rights over their body or life.
~Women were to make the home, children, and mate the priority in life.

GOLDEN AGE OF GREECE: 450 B.C. – 27 B.C. (about Micah – Malachi)
~High-class prostitutes were held superior to wives.
~When Greek men fell in love, they were considered sick.
~Wives were considered only as housekeepers and mothers.
~Wives were not allowed to eat at the same table as her husband.
~Kings claimed they descended from gods; and held all-powerful positions.

ROMAN EMPIRE: 27 B.C. – 385 A.D. (about Matthew – Revelations)
~Love in Rome was guilt-free sex, not a feeling.
~Women remained inferior to men and under Roman rule.

DECLINE OF ROMAN EMPIRE: 376 A.D. – 476 A.D.
~Women were considered sex and labor slaves.
~Women born into royalty were raised as sexual partners for Kings.

CHRISTIANITY & THE DARK AGES: 385 A.D. – 1000 A.D.
~In 585 A.D. the Church argued that women did not have a mortal soul.
~Religion viewed sex as an unromantic, harsh, and an ugly act.
~By the 1st Century, women were viewed as disposable property.
~The Church sanctioned wife beatings.
~Only small fines were enforced for killing women.
~Noblemen had the right to rape any woman.

PRE-RENAISSANCE RISE OF COURTLY LOVE: 1000 A.D. – 1300 A.D.
~Courtly Love was a relationship considered to make men better warriors.
~The sex act was considered false love.
~It was believed that unsatisfied passion improved character.
~Women were viewed as utensils.

THE CHURCH VS. THE RENAISSANCE: 1300 A.D. – 1500 A.D.
~Religious people saw Courtly Love as sinful.
~By 1450 A.D. the Church believed all physically desirable women were witches.
~The Pope authorized the burning death of 30,000 women.
~Pope Alexander VI possessed many teenage mistresses.
~Marriage remained a lifelong financial transaction that took place when a girl was 14-16 years old, and included a dowry plus income/property guarantees.
~As the Renaissance enlightenment prevailed; people associated sex with love.
~A new idea that married couples should live together alone in a dwelling of their own began circulating in the 17th Century.
~Wife beating was legal.

THE PURITANS: 1500 A.D. – 1700 A.D.
~Dr. Martin Luther battled Catholic beliefs asserting that sexual impulses
were natural and irrepressible.
~Women remained inferior to men, dominated by the male population,
religious judgment and discrimination.
~Henry VIII put two wives to death for unproven adultery, though he had several mistresses while married.

THE AGE OF REASON: 1600 A.D. – 1800 A.D.
~By the mid-18th Century man turned “to reason.”
~Louis XIV set rules of etiquette to suppress all evidence of emotion.             ~Men viewed women as ornaments, unreasonable nitwits, and subservient. ~Love was a malicious sport with the motive to seduce; flirtation became a common societal hobby.

VICTORIANISM & THE RISE OF CAPITALISM: 1850 A.D. – 1900 A.D.
~U.S. Surgeon General, William Hammond, stated that decent women felt not the slightest pleasure during sex.
~Many physicians considered sexual desire in women pathological.
~The 1842 edition of Encyclopedia Britannica stated that women had no privileges or rights in marriage.
~The clinging-vine persona in women developed as the culture encouraged women to be modest, sweet, weak, and anxious to be dominated by men.
~Men had legal power over their wives and could imprison or beat them.
~Women were not allowed to vote.
~Married women had no property rights.
~Divorce and child custody laws favored men.
~Women were not allowed to attend college.
~Women were forbidden to serve on a jury.
~Women were forbidden to participate in political or church leadership.
~Elizabeth Cady Stranton began in 1848 The Women’s Rights Movement to achieve full civil rights for all women.
~Sigmund Freud concluded females suffered neurosis and had little purpose.

20th CENTURY ROMANTIC LOVE: 1900 A.D. – 1930 A.D.
~In 1920 women won the right to vote; 72 years after its initiation.
~Romantic attraction became the basis for choosing a partner.
~Divorce rates grew although a woman’s place was still in the home.
~Birth control information started circulating secretly.
~Women were mainly housewives and caretakers to men and children.
~The restrictive clothing don by women for centuries began to loosen up.

MODERN ROMANTIC LOVE: 1930 A.D. – 1970 A.D.
~Dating started in 1930 as a new method of mate selection.
~Women were expected to adopt behaviors to build up a man’s image.
~Alfred Kinsey provided specific details that changed views on sex.
~Playboy franchise created in 1953 exploited women who consented.
~Women were allowed to enter college, sports, politics, and military.
~In 1963, The Equal Pay Act required equal wages for women.
~In 1967, a law prohibited any hiring bias against women.
~Women could not obtain credit.
~California became first state to adopt a no-fault divorce law.

CONTEMPORARY RELATIONSHIPS: 1970 A.D. – PRESENT
~Ms Magazine published in 1971, sold out 300,000 copies in 8 days.
~Marriage no longer mandatory for financial support.
~Supreme Court ruled in 1971 unmarried woman’s right to use contraceptives.
~The word obey is dropped from female vow in marriage ceremonies.
~Marriage rates fell.
~In 1976, the first marital rape law was enacted.
~In 1988, women were paid 32 percent less than men for same job.
~Despite working, women were expected to be caretaker at home.
~Women entered politics and held government positions.
~Sexual discrimination suits toward women flooded courts.

IMG_0994Attitudes toward women today are, at best, trying to be politically correct in America. There remains an undertow of inbred inferior opinions towards the female sex in business. During water cooler chats men still minimize a woman’s abilities and degrades her existence within a company. Despite the gains over the years to show women equal respect as a man, women are still being raped, trafficked, violated and discriminated against — not just in the rest of the world, but here in the United States. And though feminists continue to fight gender injustices, most men seem to think that outside of a few lingering battles, the work of the women’s movement is done.

Do you think men today are afraid of equality with women or simply
stuck under the influence of history in their interpretation of women roles?

Think about it. Look for Do Men Owe Women?, Part 2, tomorrow.

 

©All rights reserved, 2014, Dr. Sandy Nelson, E-Couch.net
Photos courtesy of Pixabay.com

Fear: The Upgrade of Worry

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IMG_1783

We all know what fear feels like: that burning, hot, paralyzing sensation that erupts in the tummy and flows through the veins like lava; that weak, jelly-like feeling in the limbs; that shaky heart-throbbing Oh my God emotion; that I can’t breathe dizziness episode, well, need I go on? No one escapes fear.

Fear is often like a stow-away…it jumps on every other emotion for the ride.

Are you bummed out? Chances are fear is one of the feelings responsible. Anger is always accompanied by fear, and so is guilt. Wondering about getting hurt in a relationship? Getting laid-off? Getting dumped? Losing a loved one? Fear is the main ingredient there, too. Fear has many other names: terror, worry, apprehension, alarm, concern, fret, uneasiness, anxiety, distress, dread, and panic.

Fear is probably the worst feeling, along with depression, to encounter because it’s experienced physically as well as emotionally.

Psychiatrist and author of Worry: Hope and Help for a Common Condition, Dr. IMG_0727Edward Hallowell thinks people worry when they feel vulnerable and powerless. Worrying is used as a means to restore some sort of control—an attempt to reverse vulnerability and powerlessness. If we’re busy worrying, we feel a sense of control over the problem, even if that’s all we do about the dilemma—worry.

A type of worry—the worry or fear of uncertainty—has been shown to cause a devastating result.

Uncertainty is not knowing. It’s a situation that is unpredictable so an individual can’t determine what to think or do. Over a period of time this causes feeling of helplessness. Mounting evidence published in The Complete Guide to Your Emotions and Health, by Emrika Padus, shows that:

Worry over life’s uncertainties—those future “what-ifs” and past “if-onlys” that can drive us crazy with speculation—creates a particularly devastating kind of stress response…It’s what we don’t know (and can’t do anything about) that can really hurt us.

IMG_0322Uncertainty keeps a person in a constant state of semi-arousal which places an extreme burden on the body’s adaptive resources and resistance systems. Not knowing when something is going to happen or what is going to happen means having to stay on guard—tensed.

 

When worry escalates, the result is fear.

Fear floods the body with epinephrine. It’s most powerful effect is felt on the heart—both the rate and strength of contractions increase. Blood pressure soars. If the fear is intense enough, all systems can fatally overload.

Individuals who experience an intruding level of fear have one thing in common: a need for control.

Anxiety is a future-focused state and control has to do with uncertainty. We IMG_0307seek control of people in efforts to influence or guarantee the outcomes to situations that we want. Worry is often viewed as an attempt to control the future. In some cases we can even think that if we worry enough, a dreaded event won’t happen. The amount of fear and anxiety that we experience is influenced by our perceived ability to cope with what we fear.

The minds of worriers become dominated by fear.

But worrying does not provide security or safety. There is no way to eliminate uncertainty.

Think about it.

 

©All rights reserved, 2014, Dr. Sandy Nelson, E-Couch.net
Photos courtesy of Pixabay.com

Are you struggling with relationships?

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Excerpt from Emotional Triggers: Stop Pushing My Buttons by Dr. Sandy Nelson…

A woman awoke excitedly on Valentine’s Day and called her boyfriend. “I just had a dream that you gave me a diamond ring for Valentine’s Day. What do you think it means?” With certainty in his voice, the man said, “You’ll know tonight, Honey!” That evening the man went to his beloved with a small package and handed it to her. With anxious anticipation the woman quickly opened the package to find a book entitled, The Meaning of Dreams.

IMG_2155When it comes to love, there are certain types of people that we’re subconsciously attracted to, in our dreams or not. It’s as if we have within us a beacon that sends an underlying signal to certain types of people. Likewise, we’re pulled to individuals who signal us. Entering a relationship that initially stems from a need or attraction doesn’t necessarily indicate doom. But, disaster may occur when you’re unaware of the Emotional Triggers that have brought you together.

Therapists Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt, the couple who discovered Imago Therapy say: When you’re unaware of the hidden agenda of romantic love, it is a disaster. You inevitably repeat your childhood scenarios with the same devastating consequences. But when you understand that you’ve chosen your partner to heal certain wounds, and that this healing is the key to the end of longing, you’ve taken the first step on the journey to real love.

There’s no torture in awaking to the reality that you’re in a not-so-good relationship. The torture arrives when you try to disconnect or change the relationship. You feel stuck, trapped. You may agonize over which is worse–ending it, tolerating it, or dealing with a possible upset and confrontation if you give your thoughts a voice.

This is the core of unhappy lives–the belief that you’re doomed to tolerate or IMG_1694accept draining and unhappy relationships. You may convince yourself that you would face worse anguish if you state your thoughts to your partner or end the relationship. This belief chips away at self-respect. It invites passive-aggressiveness into the relationship. It prompts you to fix the other person, and cues any control tendencies within you. It breeds resentment and depression. It causes misery.

IMG_0870 - CopyEmotional Triggers are emotionally charged buttons that reside within everyone. Each Emotional Trigger is wired to a memory of past unresolved matters and contains a wealth of knowledge about how you’ve been marked by past encounters. When present situations trigger a stored memory of prior experience, the outcome can be intensely emotional. And it’s not just love relationships in jeopardy. Emotional Triggers materialize with all relationships–including friends, family members, and co-workers!

You may believe that remaining quiet keeps the peace, but the truth is that most likely within you there exists anger, hurt, unmet needs, and resentment that violently whirls around cutting your emotional well-being into unrecognizable pieces. If you’re not actively voicing your thoughts, feelings, and needs in a relationship, you’re not in the relationship–you’re tolerating the relationship. Perhaps, you don’t know what else to do. That’s about to change…

Read more… Emotional Triggers: Stop Pushing My Buttons

Think about it.

 

©All rights reserved, 2014, Dr. Sandy Nelson, E-Couch.net
Photos courtesy of Pixabay.com

Has your inner voice become a nagging critical bullhorn?

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Long time writer for The New Yorker, S. N. Behrman¹ said on reaching the age of 75, I have had just about all I can take of myself. 

Has your inner voice become a nagging critical bullhorn? If your inner monitor has you feeling like a louse because of some wrong doing, then it’s time to investigate if those feelings of guilt are true or false.

IMG_2286True guilt is that icky gnawing feeling of remorse and regret when you have failed your moral standard. But after amends are made and you forgive yourself, you’re free to do better next time; and those icky internal feelings dissipate. False guilt is that same icky gnawing feeling that flogs you day after day when you decline to make amends and refuse to forgive yourself. Instead, you feel compelled to punish yourself and rolling in guilt is the most popular choice.

Believing the truth about who you are is necessary for a happy and successfulIMG_1720 life. If you’re dragging around the weight of guilt, regrets, and self-condemnation, it’s impossible to be happy and successful. Guilt won’t allow the belief that you deserve happiness and financial gain. Regrets won’t allow self-confidence and self-esteem. Your opinion of yourself is powerful fuel for life. The words you say to yourself, about yourself, have an enormous impact in the body, and in your mind.

As long as you hold yourself hostage for past mistakes, you’re chained to the pain of yesterday. You hold the key to those chains today, right now. Pardon yourself. Make amends if you’re able. Realize that staying in bondage to the past won’t allow you to make a difference in your life today, and that’s just another mistake.

Think about it. In caring, Sandy

¹http://snbehrman.com/biography.htm
©All rights reserved, 2014, Dr. Sandy Nelson, E-Couch.net
Photos courtesy of Pixabay.com

Aren’t we worried about what might happen tomorrow, and aren’t we occupied with what happened yesterday?

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Margaret Bonnano¹, famous author of seven Star Trek novels, wrote: It is only possible to live happily ever after on a day-to-day basis.

Do you live day-to-day? There’s much attention placed on the catch phrase “One day at a time,” but do we really live that way? Aren’t we worried about what might happen tomorrow, and aren’t we occupied with what happened yesterday? Our brains feel like a swarm of bees bringing back and forth to the hive worries about yesterday’s fiasco, and tomorrow’s anxiety about money. All this buzzing going on while we try to face today’s demands while sustaining sanity.

IMG_0702Most of our blunders from yesterday, last month, or last year are rubbish–we forget them. We make mistakes, we learn, we grow. The End. But sometimes, the memory of a past fault creeps into our minds and tortures again with its pain and regret. It makes us feel shame, depressed and unworthy. Don’t let that memory of the past have its reign over you again. It’s true that we face the future with our past. But a huge part of who we are today, what we stand for, and what we believe about ourselves and life comes from the lessons we acquired from screwing-up, yes, even those major debacles. Those of us who show up everyday in life expecting the best, doing our best, and giving our best have not been discouraged by yesterday’s failure, or reduced in value by its hurt.

IMG_1614Former New York Senator Daniel Patrick Moynihan² once said: Life is one day at a time. And thank God! I couldn’t take much more. Doesn’t that describe most of us? There’s enough to sort through, solve, organize and work-out in one day, imagine if we were expected to handle the toil of two days in 24 hours? There’s enough to be concerned about today so adding worry about tomorrow and regret from yesterday isn’t a good use of time and energy.

Monitor your thoughts and notice how much time you’re spending dwelling on yesterday and how much you’re thinking about tomorrow. Deal with what’s happening now and what needs attention now so that when you awake tomorrow morning you’ll have energy to do it again.

Think about it. In caring, Sandy

 

¹http://www.margaretwanderbonanno.com/
²http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Daniel_Patrick_Moynihan
©All rights reserved, 2014, Dr. Sandy Nelson, E-Couch.net
Photos courtesy of Pixabay.com

A Star is born and guess who it is?

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You were born with an instinctive, endless amount of self-acceptance, and self-love. It’s innate. Think about it. You were created with ten fingers and toes, billions of brain cells, a specific DNA, a heart that would pump gallons of blood babyfor years, and an endless supply of self-acceptance, and self-love. When you came into this world, you possessed no fear of disapproval. As a baby in the hospital you didn’t compare yourself to the other babies next to you. You didn’t stay awake in your crib worrying that you might not measure up. You didn’t lie in the arms of adults wondering “Are you mad at me?” As you started to explore your world as a toddler, you existed in glory. You freely showed goofiness and laughable antics. You weren’t concerned if your actions would make you look stupid. You weren’t hung up on avoiding mistakes and appearingbaby1 better than others. You believed you were the Cat’s Pajama’s–fantastic, important, and special! You were open, free-spirited—full of enthusiasm. You didn’t fret over your appearance. You weren’t concern with what someone was thinking about your dance moves or your conversation with toys. You believed in who you were. Your self-love wasn’t shown in self-conceit—it was a sincere and humble certainty that didn’t need to knock others to feel good about yourself. You believed you were special and significant and that others were too. Your world was one of self-love and because you loved yourself, you treated others the same way—with love, value, and acceptance.
Then it started. It was unintentional, of course, yet it shook your world of self-love and slowly, little by little, that self-love dimmed as you believed what some well-meaning adults were saying about you when they were upset, angry, or frustrated.
Children don’t know what is right or wrong, good or bad until an adult tells them. The methods that some adults use to tell kids what’s wrong and bad often, unintentionally, crush a child’s self-love. To avoid raising self-centered, baby2narcissistic kids, well-meaning adults quickly criticize kids who think of themselves first and what they like, want, or need. These kids are told that to seek what pleases them is selfish. When kids express their self-worth by stating their wants, ideas, opinions, and thoughts, they are often scolded. These kids then, sadly, grow up listening and believing what they are told, and conclude that there must be something wrong with them for wanting what they want, liking what they like, and needing what they need. The free-spirited child who once beamed from self-love fades into self-doubt and fear.
What surfaces is a child (and later, an adult) who’s set on pleasing everyone else to avoid rejection, disapproval, and possible withholding of love. Some adults indirectly destroy children’s inborn self-love and teach them to love others instead; not to love others and themselves, but others instead of themselves. Children are taught to honor teachers, ministers, coaches, but not themselves. They’re instructed to respect the neighbors, but not themselves. They’re taught IMG_0684 - Copyto love their parents, siblings, Gramma and Grampa, but not themselves. To be kind to their pets, friends, babysitters, and cousins; but not themselves. They’re told to be gentle with toys, books, pillows, and clothes, but not themselves. They’re taught to remember their mittens, homework, and library books, but not themselves. These children learn that the correct thing to do is to forfeit themselves, give up their own needs, and ignore their own opinions for the approval of other people.
I want you to plow through all the Childhood Programming you received growing up, set it aside for just a minute, and remember who you really are. You’re special and significant, and deep inside yourself you know that’s true. No matter what someone says about you, there’s an inborn part of you that wantsstar to take a stand for what you say about you. You want your own approval. You want dignity and self-respect. You want to stop needing others approval and start wanting your own. Deep inside, you know you deserve more in life. Self-love is the source of all other love.                                                                                
A Star is born and it’s you. Think about it!  -In caring, Dr. Sandy
©All rights reserved, 2014, Dr. Sandy Nelson, E-Couch.net

When it comes to love relationships, how many of us want to modify a few things about the other person?

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As a kid, I didn’t have good role models to learn what was healthy in a love relationship. I didn’t observe any affection or compromise in a marriage. I did witness daily arguments, a lot of bantering about who was right, and daily IMG_0908 - Copy - Copy - Copyrescue-control tactics to conform who was wrong. So by the time I reached dating age, I was ready to start my own search and rescue operation with men. 
As Robin Norwood says so spot on, “How can we explain that it isn’t the person he is that we find so attractive, but the person we’re convinced we can help him become? How can we admit to ourselves or others that we’re in love with someone who doesn’t yet exist, and enchanted with our power to make him appear?”¹
The truth about love is we don’t love instinctively. We learn to love. What has IMG_0200.JPG (2)become instinctual for men and women isn’t to love and respect each other. The far and few between male/female relationships throughout history that were based on love and mutual respect have not been enough to leave us footprints to follow on the relationship path. There are too little cases of love’s ideal union. There is an abundant history, including Adam and Eve, of conflicts, disappointment, criticism, blaming, rejection, resentment, betrayal, death sentences, and historical lines of broken hearts.
The past tells us that’s it’s not an initial impulse to demonstrate acceptance of one another, and that’s what we’ve learned, and learned well. It’s more intuitive for us to debate and fight in relationships, than to demonstrate love. When men disappoint us, our first urge isn’t to look at the situation through the eyes of love, understanding, and forgiveness. We don’t make compromise our first task. No, our first impulse is anger–to argue. We’re more comfortable clinging to self-righteous anger than we are around hugging or paying tribute to our partner. Either way, or even both ways, isn’t this screwed up?
What have been your dating experiences? C’mon say something!
Thanks for your time and replies. -In caring, Dr. Sandy

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¹Daily Meditations for Women Who Love Too Much, Robin Norwood