Tag Archives: Independence

What do you need so happiness and success can arrive?

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“Be more concerned with your character than with your reputation. Your character is what you really are while your reputation is merely what others think you are.” These words written by the extraordinary Dale Carnegie gives us all a reminder about the significance of our own inner character versus the opinions of us that others may hold.

Would it make our lives easier if we could control how other people think of us? If we could have the favorable opinion of everyone in our lives we would be IMG_0275rid of conflicts, disapproval, and rejection. But we don’t hold a remote control to change the channeled thoughts and feelings of other people to ones of our liking. People are going to think what they themselves decide to believe. This fact is precisely why having your own approval on your life is so crucial to well-being. Staying true to your own character and liking yourself will enable you to remain unruffled by the gossip of others. To realize the importance of knowing yourself and liking what you know, is a necessary step for self-respect.

I don’t know any happy and successful people with a self-contempt attitude toward themselves. I don’t know any happy and successful people with bruisesIMG_0843 - Copy from beating themselves up over mistakes and unwanted outcomes. The happy and successful people I know hold a humble confidence in themselves. They’ve spent time dealing with past issues that would block their goals. They’ve corrected the lies they have believed about their inadequacy and shortcomings that would prevent their confidence. They know their weaknesses and manage them rather than excuse them or blame someone else for their existence.

Motivational speaker and self-development guru, Brian Tracy, states “If you wish to achieve worthwhile things in your personal and career life, you must become a worthwhile person in your own self-development.” Where are you today in your self-development? What do you need to correct so happiness and success can arrive?

Think about it. In caring, Sandy

Who are you now?

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“You are now at a crossroads. This is your opportunity to make the most important decision you will ever make. Forget your past. Who are you now? Who have you decided you really are now? Don’t think about who you have been. Who are you now? Who have you decided to become? Make this decision consciously. Make it carefully. Make it powerfully.”¹

sign2Are you defining your life today past on mistakes made a month ago, a year ago? If all the past errors in judgment were erased and all expectations from others were invalid, who would you be today, right now? Your future will be filled with negativity from the past only if you allow it to be poured into your current thoughts about yourself. Instead, take the wisdom—the positive—available from every mistake and from every heartbreak, and mold that into who you are at this moment forward.

“One of the best ways to educate our hearts is to look at our interaction with IMG_0108.JPG (2)other people, because our relationships with others are fundamentally a reflection of our relationship with ourselves.”²  It’s impossible to have a dysfunctional relationship with others unless you have a dysfunctional relationship with yourself. If you struggle with fears of disapproval, that fear will play out in all of your relationships with others—not just some relationships—all. Everything you do or say will be filtered through a fear of their rejection of you. That fear prompts you to be dishonest with others, to withhold your true opinions and needs, and to become whatever others want you to be. Look at how any unhealthy fears contribute to the status of your relationships, to the status of your life.

Stop at that crossroads. Today, make that powerful decision—who have you decided you really are? Share who you truly are with the people who matter and stay true to your real self.

Think about it. In caring, Sandy

¹Anthony Robbins

²Dr. Stephen Covey

How long should someone be sick?

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What period of time is reasonable to have an illness?
We get restless and resentful when our normal routine is interrupted by the flu or a sprained ankle or any other physical disruption. We are a society of fast-forward, hectic pace people, who get our beverage and meal on the fly threw a drive-by. We got things to do. Places we need to be. There’s no time to be sick. And if we’re laid up for two weeks, forget-about-it, our heads will explode!!
Those of us who are always doing something (myself included) have difficulty IMG_0938 - Copy - Copy - Copysitting in one place unless we’re sleeping. So any medical ailment is viewed as something treading on our freedom and responsibilities. But here’s the thing. Our brain is really chummy with all our organs, ligaments, blood, and bones. Our brain knows all our cells by their names! Our brain is the bodyguard. When something isn’t working right, say, in the small bowel, the brain is the first to know and then it tells you how long it’s going to take for the repairs. And instead of being stubborn and defiant, listen to what your brain and body are telling you. Rest, see a doctor, restore yourself, watch Cheers re-runs or Home Improvement.
In The Anatomy of an Illness: As Perceived by the Patient, Norman Cousins, a IMG_0116 - Copyjournalist, professor, and editor-in-chief, tells of being hospitalized with a rare, crippling disease. When he was diagnosed as incurable in the late 1980s, Cousins checked out of the hospital. Aware of the harmful effects that negative emotions can have on the body, Cousins reasoned the reverse was true. So he borrowed a movie projector and prescribed his own treatment, consisting of Marx Brothers films and old “Candid Camera” reruns. It didn’t take long for him to discover that 10 minutes of laughter provided two hours of pain free sleep.
Amazingly, his debilitating disease was eventually reversed. After the account of his victory appeared in the New England Journal of Medicine, Cousins received IMG_0713more than 3000 letters from appreciative physicians throughout the world.  Cousins also served as Adjunct Professor of Medical Humanities for the School of Medicine at the University of California, Los Angeles, where he did research on the biochemistry of human emotions, which he long believed were the key to human beings’ success in fighting illness. It was a belief he maintained even as he battled heart disease, which he fought both by taking massive doses of Vitamin C and, according to him, by training himself to laugh. He died of heart failure on November 30, 1990, in Los Angeles, California, having survived years longer than his doctors predicted: 10 years after his first heart attack, 26 years after his collagen illness, and 36 years after his doctors first diagnosed his heart disease.
The body heals faster when we listen to it and when we have a good attitude about taking time for those repairs.
Think about it! -In caring, Dr. Sandy
©All rights reserved, 2014, Dr. Sandy Nelson, E-Couch.net

A Star is born and guess who it is?

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You were born with an instinctive, endless amount of self-acceptance, and self-love. It’s innate. Think about it. You were created with ten fingers and toes, billions of brain cells, a specific DNA, a heart that would pump gallons of blood babyfor years, and an endless supply of self-acceptance, and self-love. When you came into this world, you possessed no fear of disapproval. As a baby in the hospital you didn’t compare yourself to the other babies next to you. You didn’t stay awake in your crib worrying that you might not measure up. You didn’t lie in the arms of adults wondering “Are you mad at me?” As you started to explore your world as a toddler, you existed in glory. You freely showed goofiness and laughable antics. You weren’t concerned if your actions would make you look stupid. You weren’t hung up on avoiding mistakes and appearingbaby1 better than others. You believed you were the Cat’s Pajama’s–fantastic, important, and special! You were open, free-spirited—full of enthusiasm. You didn’t fret over your appearance. You weren’t concern with what someone was thinking about your dance moves or your conversation with toys. You believed in who you were. Your self-love wasn’t shown in self-conceit—it was a sincere and humble certainty that didn’t need to knock others to feel good about yourself. You believed you were special and significant and that others were too. Your world was one of self-love and because you loved yourself, you treated others the same way—with love, value, and acceptance.
Then it started. It was unintentional, of course, yet it shook your world of self-love and slowly, little by little, that self-love dimmed as you believed what some well-meaning adults were saying about you when they were upset, angry, or frustrated.
Children don’t know what is right or wrong, good or bad until an adult tells them. The methods that some adults use to tell kids what’s wrong and bad often, unintentionally, crush a child’s self-love. To avoid raising self-centered, baby2narcissistic kids, well-meaning adults quickly criticize kids who think of themselves first and what they like, want, or need. These kids are told that to seek what pleases them is selfish. When kids express their self-worth by stating their wants, ideas, opinions, and thoughts, they are often scolded. These kids then, sadly, grow up listening and believing what they are told, and conclude that there must be something wrong with them for wanting what they want, liking what they like, and needing what they need. The free-spirited child who once beamed from self-love fades into self-doubt and fear.
What surfaces is a child (and later, an adult) who’s set on pleasing everyone else to avoid rejection, disapproval, and possible withholding of love. Some adults indirectly destroy children’s inborn self-love and teach them to love others instead; not to love others and themselves, but others instead of themselves. Children are taught to honor teachers, ministers, coaches, but not themselves. They’re instructed to respect the neighbors, but not themselves. They’re taught IMG_0684 - Copyto love their parents, siblings, Gramma and Grampa, but not themselves. To be kind to their pets, friends, babysitters, and cousins; but not themselves. They’re told to be gentle with toys, books, pillows, and clothes, but not themselves. They’re taught to remember their mittens, homework, and library books, but not themselves. These children learn that the correct thing to do is to forfeit themselves, give up their own needs, and ignore their own opinions for the approval of other people.
I want you to plow through all the Childhood Programming you received growing up, set it aside for just a minute, and remember who you really are. You’re special and significant, and deep inside yourself you know that’s true. No matter what someone says about you, there’s an inborn part of you that wantsstar to take a stand for what you say about you. You want your own approval. You want dignity and self-respect. You want to stop needing others approval and start wanting your own. Deep inside, you know you deserve more in life. Self-love is the source of all other love.                                                                                
A Star is born and it’s you. Think about it!  -In caring, Dr. Sandy
©All rights reserved, 2014, Dr. Sandy Nelson, E-Couch.net

What are you getting out of relationships?

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If you view yourself as a loser, or a flop, because a marriage, friendship, or other significant relationship ended, you don’t have the correct view of yourself. There’s a difference between a relationship failing and a relationship ending. If you view past unhappy relationships as failures, you will create more unhappy relationships in the future.

If you acquired wisdom from past relationships, you will create happier IMG_0536relationships in the future. Life is a series of relationships. We’re drawn to friendships and love relationships to make us wiser and add to our lives. But sometimes that’s the problem—we often don’t learn from relationship experiences. Instead we become more bitter, more resentful, more distrusting, more self-degrading, and deeper in self-pity. We get stuck in the hurt and repeat poor choices in relationships rather than look at the lesson from the experience and learning what to do differently. Author Alan Cohen wrote, “We form new relationships according to the way we think about old ones.” You want to break that any cycle.

A relationship can only be defined as a failure if you didn’t learn from the experience – if you didn’t look at your role that could have contributed to IMG_0363its ending. For instance, if more than one person tells you that you fail to pay attention, that’s an area you should give thought to since it would be a positive trait that’s necessary in a good relationship. If you have a trail of dumped relationships with individuals who are part of a rock band, what’s that telling you? If you acquire information about yourself that you didn’t have before the relationship, then you have successfully gained wisdom to use in future relationships. Sometimes we want the truth to fit the situation. When it doesn’t, it’s easier to ignore the truth than to change the situation. Ignoring the truth when it comes to relationships, will prevent happiness in your life.

It’s helpful to see past unhappy relationships as learning experiences. And you need to be aware of what exactly you learned about your choices, attitude, and behavior and make adjustments where necessary. Take responsibility for improving your life. Every person in your life has something to teach you. Listen. Observe. Successful relationships are those in which both individuals are happy with themselves first, and therefore, possess self-confidence and a healthy independence.

What are the relationship mistakes you feel best prepared to avoid today? -Dr. Sandy

 

Where do most people who want to change their life get stuck?

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Where do most people who want to change their life tend to get stuck in the process? Choose the answer you believe is correct:
A. They get stuck because they don’t know how to change others so their own lives get better.
B. A snow-bank.
C. They get stuck because they don’t know another way to handle things or people.
D. They get stuck because some people in their life just don’t get it.

Correct answer is C.

Author E. E. Cummings said, “It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are.” Many people desire to make positive changes in their lives but get stuck because they don’t know how to handle things differently. It’s scary to think of life any other way IMG_0211than how we’ve been living it, even though it’s been far from a picnic. It’s scary to examine what we learned in childhood surroundings that may be incorrect. It’s scary to take a look at what we assumed to be normal. It’s scary to face what’s wrong and not working for us.                                                                                                                           But when we blame other people for our unhappiness, keep doing things we firmly promised not to, fail to do what we decided to do, then we begin to understand that we don’t know how to fix the mess our lives are in. We realize that we’re no longer able to soothe our fears and hurts. There remains nothing left to pull out of our hats. And we’re left stuck because we know no other way to think, feel, and act.

We know we’re unhappy, but we don’t know what to do differently. With all we’ve done with our attempts to be in control, we can no longer control our own sadness, which has no doubt reached a miserable level. We focused on solving problems that couldn’t possibly be solved with the ways we were trying to solve them. And when we failed to fix these problems, feelings of guilt, inadequacy, and even anger multiplied. All our inadequacies and all our hurts joined our self-doubts which we spent an enormous amount of time hiding because we needed to appear competent and in control. Marriage and Family Therapist Robin Norwood writes, “Most of the insanity and despair you experience comes directly from trying to manage and control what you can’t.”

So what would you do? Please share your suggestions on improving situations and making positive changes. –Dr. Sandy

©All rights reserved, 2014, Dr. Sandy Nelson, E-Couch.net

What do the people you hold in regard have in common?

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What do the people you hold in regard have in common?

People who demand respect from others are often the very individuals who lack that feature. With no self-respect, they look to others to treat them with regard.

IMG_0544“Respect yourself if you would have others respect you.”¹ Individuals who have self-respect do not need to request or demand it from others. Self-respect is a trait that is evident in our attitude, morals, and actions; and it is the integrity in our attitude, morals, and actions that provides us with the respect of others.

Treating ourselves with dignity, honor, and esteem is not due to a sense of pride, it is due to self-respect. Pride is vanity, narcissism, egoism, and status centered. Self-respect is accepting ourselves—our strengths and weaknesses, talents and limitations, successes and mistakes. Pride denies or hides weaknesses, limitations, and mistakes. Self-respect announces them. 

What evidence of self-respect can be found in your attitude, morals, and actions today?

¹From The Art of Wordly Wisdom by Baltasar Gracian

What’s more important to you: what you think of yourself or what other people think of you?

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Seneca, the Roman Philosopher and Statesman in the 1st century, said,What you think of yourself is much more important than what others think of you.” That’s pretty significant reflective thinking in 60 A.D.

IMG_0550What’s more important to you: what you think of yourself or what other people think of you? It’s a mistake to allow other people to determine your attitude toward yourself. Say you have five key individuals in your life—perhaps a parent, a friend, a mate, a neighbor, and a co-worker. Each of these individuals will most likely have a different opinion as to what you should be thinking, choosing, and doing. Without your own identity, you’ll act differently with each of them, instead of the same with all of them. If you allow them to define you, how do you know who you are?

It’s impossible to try and be all things to all people. It’s also unhealthy. You can’t measure yourself against the opinions of other people. You need to claim your own individual self and become your own person rather than someone everyone else wants you to be.

According to the wisdom of Seneca, it’s not possible to have self- respect if you don’t have a separate individual self. Do you think this is true? –Dr. Sandy

What are you getting from all the relationships in your life?

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“My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.” –Rodney Dangerfield

We are created for relationships. We are created with an inborn need to connect with people. Relationships, however, are designed to add to our self-fulfilling life, not rob us of our identity.

IMG_0376Too many people lose themselves and become dependent on, and enmeshed with the lives of other people. Reality television can grab our interest and attention as we watch the lives of others unravel before our eyes. Soon we have opinions on what so-and-so should do and who should stop doing such and such. We even have lengthy conversations about it with friends and family.

Approval seeking, being unable to say no, withholding opinions, thoughts, and needs are signs of dependency and enmeshment in relationships. On the flip side, over involvement in the lives of friends and family can give us a sense of power–of feeling needed, of giving advice, of being the person whose opinion matters the most.

Today, express your own individual self in all relationships. If that is difficult to do, commit to correcting that dependency and enmeshment now. -Dr. Sandy