Category Archives: Tolerance

What Social Etiquette Reveals About You

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How do you treat other people?

Every day, it seems, I become upset by someone’s mistreatment of another human being. There’s always cruel words involved and a lack of compassion or mercy. It’s on the radio or in the newspaper or on the news–it’s everywhere.

It’s not difficult to show kindness. No expertise is required. It doesn’t listen1necessitate a lot of reading, or a college degree. It doesn’t even cost money–it’s free. It’s a social grace. One of the few humanity decorum’s becoming snuffed out, I fear, with the air of superiority from an increasing amount of people.

I understand how individuals can lose patience with social etiquette. They’re hurried with managing many aspects of their lives. Their busy seems to always be more important than another person’s busy. Plus, it appears they must save their polite and courteous actions and conversations for their friends or bosses, because they sure aren’t showing any social grace with strangers or who they consider nobodies.

10d69f3e-9b69-4700-9155-2f934eb05151-mediumAnd that speaks volumes. People who are unfriendly, or exclude others from their circle are usually conceited and preoccupied with their image. So they tend to be unkind to anyone they perceive as less successful. These are people who don’t tip waiters or bartenders or taxi drivers or hair stylists. They can be rude and demanding to those same people.

If you come across one of them, you might mention that every human being is entitled to the same treatment that he or she demands. Every person is entitled to respect, dignity, and kindness.

So says Mary Killen, author and columnist at The Spectator, “Having good manners boils down to treating others as you would like to be treated yourself,” she says. “You throw your civility and kindness on the water, and it comes back to you.”

Treating others with respect is an act of benevolence that comes back to you. That’s good karma.

I think that’s how it should stay. Social etiquette is good manners. And good manners know no social status. It belongs everywhere.

FullSizeRender (5)Think about it.

drsandy@e-couch.net  ♦  ©All rights reserved 2014, Dr. Sandy Nelson, E-Couch.net  ♦  Photos courtesy of Pixabay unless otherwise noted

When You’re Left Out

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WHEN YOU’RE LEFT OUT – Dr. Sandy Nelson

As adults when you’re left out and rejected by a friend, it triggers childhood memories most of us can recall. Those cliques in class that excluded others in the playground games, or the secret chats by the lockers, or the in-crowd table in the cafeteria. Cliques that seemed to have fun seeing others isolated and alone.

Judith Sills, PhD, says in Oprah.com …being left out is not an inherently grown-up phenomenon. It is 1000213_10151708767561439_258385478_na grade-school agony that recurs throughout life. Being left out is an emotional drama that unfolds in three acts: discovery, distress, and, if you can get there, detachment. These psychological rhythms prevail whether you are reeling from the whispers of a group of girls at recess or excluded from a bridge game in your assisted-living home. Being left out is the dark side of friendship…

Female cliques—and the power they wield to trample feelings—are not just an unpleasant memory from junior high and high school. These groups that are aloof to outsiders thrive in the grown-up world too. It makes feeling welcomed as a newcomer difficult. When you’re left out, you know it. You feel it. It’s perplexing to be ignored or dismissed after a group has invited newcomers.

11046458_999199456780643_2534625398824416841_nDebbie Mandel, author of Turn On Your Inner Light: Fitness for Body, Mind and Soul writes: Cliques tend to be more about power and control and less about the open door of friendship.

Clearly, there are good reasons to better understand the effects of being excluded when you’re left out. Humans have a fundamental need to belong. Just as we have needs for food and water, we also have needs for positive and lasting relationships, says C. Nathan DeWall, PhD, a psychologist at the University of Kentucky. This need is deeply rooted in our evolutionary history and has all sorts of consequences for modern psychological processes.

Being on the receiving end of a social snub causes a cascade of emotional and cognitive consequences, researchers have found. The social rejection of when you’re left out increases anger, anxiety, depression, jealousy and sadness. It reduces performance on difficult intellectual tasks, and can also contribute to aggression and poor impulse control, as DeWall explains in a recent review (Current Directions in Psychological Science, 2011). Physically, too, rejection takes a toll. People who routinely feel excluded have poorer sleep quality, and their immune systems don’t function as well as those of people with strong social connections, he says.

As mature adults, shouldn’t we be more embracing of people who have initiated their interest in our clubs, groups, or even our coffee house gatherings? Isn’t this the gift of affirmation and inclusion we all seek?

FullSizeRender (5)Think about it.

drsandy@e-couch.net  ♦  ©All rights reserved 2014, Dr. Sandy Nelson, E-Couch.net  ♦  Photos courtesy of Pixabay.com unless otherwise indicated

People Have A Right To Be Wrong

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PEOPLE HAVE A RIGHT TO BE WRONG – Dr. Sandy Nelson

We are not satisfied to be right, unless we can prove others to be quite wrong. —William Hazlitt

Some years ago I discovered an important and liberating truth: people have the belief15right to be wrong. Including me. People didn’t need me pointing out where I thought they were misinformed or misguided about global warming or why their opinion about renaissance art was misconstrued or why GMO‘s should be banned from the planet or why Jon Snow should never be killed off.

Instead of trying to force unto others the beliefs I was passionate about, I found it incredibly freeing to grant others the right to their opinion! Imagine that! I no longer became frustrated with people who held views that opposed mine. The urge weakened to butt in and debate their opinion.

niceJudging the choices of others is not the best use of our time. Judging other people isn’t the best use of our character either. When we look down on people who have different opinions and beliefs, it appears we’re superior and we can get snotty and snobbish. UGH!

We all have preferences and opinions that we want respected and accepted but we can be brutal towards others whose preferences and opinions differ from ours. Acceptance of someone’s differing opinion doesn’t mean submission. It means you accept and respect the right of the person to hold his or her own views.

Today, join me in respecting the choices of other people—even if you think their preferences and views are inaccurate. And, better yet, ask why they hold the opinion they do and listen, not debate, listen. You might learn something unexpected.

FullSizeRender (8)Think about it.

drsandy@e-couch.net  ♦  ©All rights reserved 2014, Dr. Sandy Nelson, E-Couch.net  ♦  Photos courtesy of Pixabay.com unless otherwise indicated

Anger and Frustration: You’re Killing Me

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Anger and Frustration: You’re Killing Me – Dr. Sandy Nelson

So here’s the deal with anger.

Some family origins consider anger and frustration a language. That’s how they communicate. They shout, they sass with words. Even pep talks are amped up with sarcasm and yelling. Ever watch The Sopranos? Some people are untroubled by the use of anger when they interact. But I think they’re a small CAPUPVE5CARS043CCAOF72XDCA75Z6V9CADGWZF6CAOBVH8ICANMHFYZCATKRO9PCA9XJ8MACAUZ5MIOCA45A0SUCA0R2TBZCAN0OEEQCAZF83JVCAI62Q52CAQ6I7R1CAP6RTDMCAF1ZI92group.

If you’re erupting in anger and frustration with strangers or yelling critical wisecracks at people you claim to love, regardless of the reason, YOU NEED HELP. If you blame others for making you mad, YOU NEED HELP. If you use your anger and frustration to threaten or scare people, YOU NEED HELP.

Anger increases your risk of depression, alcoholism, drug addiction, eating disorders and other compulsive behavior. Workaholism and marital affairs are strongly associated with anger. Anger causes you to make mistakes and use poor judgment. It makes you a reactaholic—when other people push your buttons, you become a reactor. It’s connected to violence, crime, spouse and child abuse. Anger creates power struggles.

Steven Stosny, Ph.D., a Clinical Psychologist, a consultant in family violence and a noted expert witness in criminal and civil trials, says, You have a resentment problem if some subtle form of resentment that you may not even be aware of, makes you do something against your best interest, or keeps you from doing something that is in your best interest.

Dr. Stosny offers an Anger Test and a Resentment Test to determine a current status with both. Are you ready?

ANGER TEST: Check each of the following that you experienced the past week.
____ Lost temper easily.
____ Got angry.
____ Got annoyed.
____ Felt rage.
____ Was impatient.
____ Felt restless.
____ Wondered why people can’t do what they should?
____ Got hot-tempered.
____ Had trouble sleeping.
____ Felt hostile.
____ Became infuriated.
____ Could not relax.
____ Became enraged.
____ Felt irritated by other people.
____ Felt like attacking people.
____ Was shaking with anger
____ Thought that if people would cooperate, you wouldn’t have these problems.
____ Got mad.

RESENTMENT TEST: Check all that apply. Do you ever feel . . .
____ Taken advantage of?
____ Manipulated?
____ Like whatever you do isn’t enough?
____ Unappreciated?
____ Like all you get from loved ones is a few crumbs now and then?
____ Like nobody understands you?
____ Like people rarely consider your feelings?
____ That you give more than you get?
____ Like hardly anything works the way it should?
____ That people hold you to a higher standard?
____ That you work harder than others for the same reward?
____ “Why should I be the only one who bothers?”
____ That you sometimes feel like nothing matters anyway?
____ “All I’ve done for them and look what . . .”
____ That you’d like to get back at those jerks?
____ That you can’t get over how unfair it is?

If you found yourself checking three or more statements as true for you in the Anger Test, Dr. Stosny would address you as having an anger problem. If you checked three or more as being true for you in the Resentment Test, Dr. Stosny suggests that you have a problem with resentment.

IMG_0222Some people view anger as power. A person who lacks self-worth, often demonstrates anger as a way to display power. To compensate for inferiority, insecure people use anger to show power. We can see this in bullies and batterers.

Now, if you can admit that maybe, just maybe, you might have a few issues in handling anger a better way, I have a FREE guaranteed way to chill frustration and anger, in 15 minutes, right now, privately. Just click HERE. Please.

FullSizeRender (8)Think about it.
drsandy@e-couch.net  ♦  ©All rights reserved 2014, Dr. Sandy Nelson, E-Couch.net  ♦  Photos courtesy of Pixabay.com unless otherwise indicated

How To Listen Up! – Dr Sandy Nelson

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HOW TO LISTEN UP!

In The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, Stephen Covey tells of a father who came to him saying, “I can’t understand my kid. He just won’t listen to me.” Covey patiently tried to get the dad to see the inconsistency of his statement. You don’t understand people by getting them to listen to you. You understand them when you listen to them.charlie brown listen

Is anyone listening?

It’s true that our high-tech, fast paced society today allots less time to listen to one another. Everyone is in a hurry, no one has time, but the need for communication and connection is more important than ever. Relationships at work and at home cannot thrive or survive without listening to one another. It’s imperative that we need to listen up!

Ever jump to understand a person’s disagreeing view? That’s not the first move of most people in conversation. People usually jump to judge, to argue, or to reject, to debate, but to understand? That’s in a minority of people.

listen1But we can change that. When we listen to another person, we can refuse to be distracted by our own opinions and biases. We can accept that listening to a differing view is not going to cause the veins in our foreheads to explode. It’s only fair that If we want our point to be understood, we need to practice understanding the point of others. We need to listen up!

listen

Listen to what people say, not to what we want to hear. Listen to their choice of words, not what we want them to say. Listen to their values, their complaints, their priorities, their outlook, and how they speak about other people, because that will reveal who that person is. So pay attention, put down any distractions, look at the person speaking, and listen up.

To avoid the impulse to finish the sentences of a person who speaks slower than we do is often a tussle. This is a test of our patience. And another impulse to avoid is planning what to say next when we should be listening. Also don’t interrupt the person talking, or take calls, or look at our phone (or TV), or wave to someone we know, or stare at the floor or out the window, all of which convey that the person talking is a bother to us, and not important.

Look at the person talking, without distraction. Practice listening with the intent to understand. This earns the respect of others.

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drsandy@e-couch.net  ♦  ©All rights reserved 2014, Dr. Sandy Nelson, E-Couch.net  ♦  Photos courtesy of Pixabay.com unless otherwise indicated

How To Be A Jerk – Dr. Sandy Nelson

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IMG_2983Being a jerk is expensive—there’s a price to pay. The cost is a lifetime of frequent visits to unemployment because it’s irritating to hold a job when you’re a jerk. Nurturing a love relationship when a jerk is involved probably isn’t going to transpire, so plan the cost and loss of many break-up’s. Friends? What jerk has true-blue buddies? None. Another cost. But, jerks have the knack of surviving anything, because, well, they’re jerks.

If your objective in life is to be a jerk, you will want to incorporate these traits into your daily life.

1. Display superiority. Your ego is the land of your realm. You are a King. Think Game of Thrones with all seven kingdoms as yours. Attain your dominance over others: degrade them in public, talk about their mistakes, criticize their efforts. Don’t offer to help them. You’re the “I” that’s not in team.

2. Use sarcasm. Forget kindness and respect. Use rudeness. Ignore people. Use the silent treatment. Show no courtesy, no gratitude. Be mean and belittling, and then say just kidding.

3. Show prejudice. You feel justified to have bias opinions about current topics: guns, violence, politics, race, police, riots, coups, terror—you know what’s going on, and how to fix each situation. You express intolerance on the internet, in the elevator, in a bar, walking down the street, to the cab driver—everywhere. You’re the one who’s right so your opinions and solutions should be trending.

4. Demand special privileges. You’re entitled to cut in line. Smoke in the restroom plane. Cut people off. Rules and laws are for other people. You always speed. Run red lights. You disrespect the requests or rights of other people. You insist on the best seat, the best table, the best service; otherwise you make a scene with a dragon.

5. Use intimidation. Bully. Threaten. Scare people. Don’t they know you’re better than they are? Take credit for the work, ideas, and actions of other people to gain recognition. Lie. Blame.

In addition to global warming, animal extinctions, hunger, disease, and war that threaten our planet, we need to consider another risk: jerks. We need a world without jerks, please.

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Dr. Sandy Nelson

Think about it.

 

drsandy@e-couch.net  ♦  ©All rights reserved 2014, Dr. Sandy Nelson, E-Couch.net  ♦  Photos courtesy of Pixabay.com unless otherwise indicated

 

Ditch That Godawful Attitude Here – Dr. Sandy Nelson

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Beyond your heart beat, and everything, how do you know if you’re alive? Is there any excitement or interests in your life? Any passion?

Vernon Howard was a man on a mission. In his books and lectures, it was clear that each day he aspired everyone to experience an emotional awareness of being alive. He was probably one of the first trailblazers for mindfulness in the 1950’s with this statement Try to see what attitudes rule your day, then ask yourself what kind of a day you usually have.IMG_2308

What kind of days have you been having lately? Are you sick of the same crap? If the past week has been bleak and negative, or filled with resentment and criticism, chances are high that your attitude on those days has not been working well for you. The bold truth is that if you latch on to a negative outlook you’re experiences in life are going to be negative which then prompts a negative outlook, and so on.

Instead of waiting for life to treat you better before changing a negative attitude, change your attitude first. Focus on the good in your life, find it, accept “what is” in everyday situations, be thankful for what hasn’t gone wrong, and then expect the positive. With that outlook, you’re bound for a good day which then prompts a good attitude!

IMG_2327Joan Baez reminds all of us that: You don’t get to choose how you’re going to die. Or when. You can only decide how you’re going to live.

Most of us are guilty at some time or another of taking life for granted. We’re blinded with the eluding belief that there’s always tomorrow, and next week. In taking life for granted we become immune to the treasures found in each day and instead complain about this or that unfairness. We’re indifferent with other people. Instead of filled with kindness and gratitude, we’re filled with indifference and resentment.

Each dawn is to be a celebration because it’s a gift.  If tomorrow’s arrival was up in the air, how would you live today?

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Dr. Sandy Nelson

Think about it.

 

drsandy@e-couch.net  ♦  ©All rights reserved 2014, Dr. Sandy Nelson, E-Couch.net  ♦  Photos courtesy of Pixabay.com unless otherwise indicated

Got complaints? – Dr. Sandy Nelson

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Malcolm S. Forbes says: The best vision is insight. However, a lot of people have placed their vision on sights outside of themselves—on other people and mostly on what other people are doing wrong.IMG_3247

We will not improve the world by lecturing other people how they should be better while ignoring the responsibility to better ourselves. Obtaining insight requires us to look within ourselves for those traits that hamper relationships, fuel resentments, and assist in our misery.

We will have better self-respect when we have a better self to respect. We will have better relationships when we have altered the parts of ourselves that pump doom into them. We will have a better planet when we take responsibility to correct the mind-set in our private world.

IMG_3277The transformation of your life begins with an examination of your thoughts. In Everyday Grace, Marianne Williamson writes: Our thoughts, not just our actions, create our experience. If you’re not happy and successful, investigate your thought content. Look for hidden complaints, resentments and grudges. When you stop railing against other people and stop blaming other people for your lack of prosperity, your mind and heart are then in a position to receive the happiness and success you desire. Instead of asking what’s in your wallet today, ask yourself what’s in your head.

Think about it.

 

drsandy@e-couch.net  ♦  ©All rights reserved 2014 Dr. Sandy Nelson E-Couch.net  ♦  Photos courtesy of Pixabay.com unless otherwise indicated