Category Archives: Self-Degrading Thoughts

A Star is born and guess who it is?

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You were born with an instinctive, endless amount of self-acceptance, and self-love. It’s innate. Think about it. You were created with ten fingers and toes, billions of brain cells, a specific DNA, a heart that would pump gallons of blood babyfor years, and an endless supply of self-acceptance, and self-love. When you came into this world, you possessed no fear of disapproval. As a baby in the hospital you didn’t compare yourself to the other babies next to you. You didn’t stay awake in your crib worrying that you might not measure up. You didn’t lie in the arms of adults wondering “Are you mad at me?” As you started to explore your world as a toddler, you existed in glory. You freely showed goofiness and laughable antics. You weren’t concerned if your actions would make you look stupid. You weren’t hung up on avoiding mistakes and appearingbaby1 better than others. You believed you were the Cat’s Pajama’s–fantastic, important, and special! You were open, free-spirited—full of enthusiasm. You didn’t fret over your appearance. You weren’t concern with what someone was thinking about your dance moves or your conversation with toys. You believed in who you were. Your self-love wasn’t shown in self-conceit—it was a sincere and humble certainty that didn’t need to knock others to feel good about yourself. You believed you were special and significant and that others were too. Your world was one of self-love and because you loved yourself, you treated others the same way—with love, value, and acceptance.
Then it started. It was unintentional, of course, yet it shook your world of self-love and slowly, little by little, that self-love dimmed as you believed what some well-meaning adults were saying about you when they were upset, angry, or frustrated.
Children don’t know what is right or wrong, good or bad until an adult tells them. The methods that some adults use to tell kids what’s wrong and bad often, unintentionally, crush a child’s self-love. To avoid raising self-centered, baby2narcissistic kids, well-meaning adults quickly criticize kids who think of themselves first and what they like, want, or need. These kids are told that to seek what pleases them is selfish. When kids express their self-worth by stating their wants, ideas, opinions, and thoughts, they are often scolded. These kids then, sadly, grow up listening and believing what they are told, and conclude that there must be something wrong with them for wanting what they want, liking what they like, and needing what they need. The free-spirited child who once beamed from self-love fades into self-doubt and fear.
What surfaces is a child (and later, an adult) who’s set on pleasing everyone else to avoid rejection, disapproval, and possible withholding of love. Some adults indirectly destroy children’s inborn self-love and teach them to love others instead; not to love others and themselves, but others instead of themselves. Children are taught to honor teachers, ministers, coaches, but not themselves. They’re instructed to respect the neighbors, but not themselves. They’re taught IMG_0684 - Copyto love their parents, siblings, Gramma and Grampa, but not themselves. To be kind to their pets, friends, babysitters, and cousins; but not themselves. They’re told to be gentle with toys, books, pillows, and clothes, but not themselves. They’re taught to remember their mittens, homework, and library books, but not themselves. These children learn that the correct thing to do is to forfeit themselves, give up their own needs, and ignore their own opinions for the approval of other people.
I want you to plow through all the Childhood Programming you received growing up, set it aside for just a minute, and remember who you really are. You’re special and significant, and deep inside yourself you know that’s true. No matter what someone says about you, there’s an inborn part of you that wantsstar to take a stand for what you say about you. You want your own approval. You want dignity and self-respect. You want to stop needing others approval and start wanting your own. Deep inside, you know you deserve more in life. Self-love is the source of all other love.                                                                                
A Star is born and it’s you. Think about it!  -In caring, Dr. Sandy
©All rights reserved, 2014, Dr. Sandy Nelson, E-Couch.net

If you lack respect and esteem for yourself, how can you accept the regard someone else has for you?

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“Quiet on the set! Ready… Action!”
belief9 - CopyLet’s say your life story is being filmed as a movie, how is your role conveyed? What would the audience see? Are you a victim who feels powerless to alter the direction of your life? Or, do you outlast obstacles and rescue yourself from toxic situations?                                                                                                           Sometimes, it seems like a battle just to get out of bed in the morning. But, you do. Sometimes, showing up for the day is overwhelming. But, you do. A valiant champion is not the person who succeeds at one task on just one day. No, it’s the courageous figure who’s resolute in every day difficulties and challenges. It takes fortitude to own your life, to own your story, to change the script, and that makes you a shining star!
Create the highest grandest vision possible for your life because you become sun10what you believe. Never act against yourself—never betray your true self unless the goal in life is your misery. Your true self—your personality, your preferences, your needs, your opinions—were formed to make you happy and bring about a sense of purpose. When you act in contrary to whom you are then your enthusiasm, and your guiding principle will be absent.
Some people fear being themselves. They think that they won’t be liked or accepted. But you see, if you reject and dislike yourself so much that you need to pretend to be someone else, then no amount of acceptance from other people will be enough. You can’t accept an emotion from other people that you forbid to give to yourself. If you lack respect and esteem for yourself, how can you accept the regard someone else has for you?
Thanks for your time and comments! -Dr. Sandy

©All rights reserved, 2014, Dr. Sandy Nelson, E-Couch.net

Do you curse yourself for screwing-up?

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The highly successful Brian Tracy wrote, “Always choose the future over the past. What do we do now?” That’s good advise, I think, when it comes to solving problems. But it does little to release those of us tortured by past regrets and mistakes.
Some of my bad choices from many years ago caused painful and damaging IMG_0578(2)consequences for other people. Those are the regrets that can haunt me the most. Those memories sting and I placed myself in an emotional jail where I inflicted suffering upon myself as punishment for hurting people I care about. My thoughts would persistently remind me that I was unworthy, marred, screwed-up, or whatever the word of the day was.
It took time for me to heal with soul-searching therapy. I understand how other people live fully in the past and why they speak about regrets and degrade themselves for mistakes from years ago. I get why their current happiness isn’t possible because of this or that occurred last month or last year.
I’m here to tell you, from experience, that as long as you cling to the mistakes of yesterday, you make another mistake today. When you’re busy mentally IMG_0885torturing yourself, you’re unable to focus to learn from, and understand the mistake so you can become wiser, so you can grow, so you can help others through their pain. Making a mistake is not a crime. Passing judgment on yourself along with a sentence to an emotional punishing prison for penance, doesn’t work. There’s nothing you can do to alter your actions of yesterday, but you can choose differently right now. No amount of self-punishment will alter what happened. But you can make amends where possible. You can remember that you’re not perfect. Mistakes happen.
“People screw up. People screw up a lot. We allow our own selfishness to overpower us at times. It happens. But you can’t allow that to tear you down. You can’t keep dwelling on your past choices, and your past actions, or else you’ll never learn from them.”¹
Give your past regrets meaning today, not punishment, by seeing them as turning points in your life, not condemning moments.
Thanks for your time and comments. –Dr. Sandy
¹Nicole Sobon, Deprogrammed

©All rights reserved, 2014, Dr. Sandy Nelson, E-Couch.net

Where do most people who want to change their life get stuck?

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Where do most people who want to change their life tend to get stuck in the process? Choose the answer you believe is correct:
A. They get stuck because they don’t know how to change others so their own lives get better.
B. A snow-bank.
C. They get stuck because they don’t know another way to handle things or people.
D. They get stuck because some people in their life just don’t get it.

Correct answer is C.

Author E. E. Cummings said, “It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are.” Many people desire to make positive changes in their lives but get stuck because they don’t know how to handle things differently. It’s scary to think of life any other way IMG_0211than how we’ve been living it, even though it’s been far from a picnic. It’s scary to examine what we learned in childhood surroundings that may be incorrect. It’s scary to take a look at what we assumed to be normal. It’s scary to face what’s wrong and not working for us.                                                                                                                           But when we blame other people for our unhappiness, keep doing things we firmly promised not to, fail to do what we decided to do, then we begin to understand that we don’t know how to fix the mess our lives are in. We realize that we’re no longer able to soothe our fears and hurts. There remains nothing left to pull out of our hats. And we’re left stuck because we know no other way to think, feel, and act.

We know we’re unhappy, but we don’t know what to do differently. With all we’ve done with our attempts to be in control, we can no longer control our own sadness, which has no doubt reached a miserable level. We focused on solving problems that couldn’t possibly be solved with the ways we were trying to solve them. And when we failed to fix these problems, feelings of guilt, inadequacy, and even anger multiplied. All our inadequacies and all our hurts joined our self-doubts which we spent an enormous amount of time hiding because we needed to appear competent and in control. Marriage and Family Therapist Robin Norwood writes, “Most of the insanity and despair you experience comes directly from trying to manage and control what you can’t.”

So what would you do? Please share your suggestions on improving situations and making positive changes. –Dr. Sandy

©All rights reserved, 2014, Dr. Sandy Nelson, E-Couch.net

What are you expecting today?

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Some individuals hold others responsible for the disappointment and unwanted outcomes they experience. This furnishes them with a blaming, self-defeating state of mind. After being injured, disappointed, hurt, and violated enough times we may forfeit the anticipation of good outcomes in life. We remain snared in the unfairness of life where incorrect thinking and pessimistic feelings reign. We invent an imaginary scale by which events are weighed. Of course, the scale never measures above bad luck. No matter how many blessings exist or good IMG_0294things happen, it’s not seen, or it’s not enough, or something is flawed with it or we’re waiting for the other shoe to drop.

“You have a style, a way of being. You hear people describe others by noting their persona: He’s a real hard charger, or she’s a cool customer. Some approach life as a combat: they’re hostile, even explosive. Others are milquetoast who expect to get trampled, and do. Your attitude of approach dictates what you get back. You may complain about the way people react to
you, but believe me, you create it, just as everyone else creates the reactions they get from the world. Honestly evaluate your style of engagement, and you will begin to understand why the world responds to you as it does.”¹

Unless we tackle the thinking that results in this self-defeating negativity, we’ll become more complaining, more resentful, and continue to experience more unfairness because that’s what we’re expecting. What are you expecting today? Dr. Sandy

¹Dr. Phil McGraw in Life Strategies

©All rights reserved, 2014, Dr. Sandy Nelson, E-Couch.net

Do you nurture your mind with great thoughts?

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“Nurture your mind with great thoughts, for you will never go any higher than you think.”¹ 

Around the beginning of the nineteenth century, French pharmacist Emile Coue introduced the idea of using affirmative thinking to counter stress. It was his belief that IMG_0271the power of a positive thought far exceeds that of the will.

A century later, researchers have confirmed what Coue already knew. Your thoughts can rocket your life into abundance and happiness, or plummet you into homelessness and joblessness.

Today, think of an affirming thought that can help you succeed, or be happy, or whatever you desire. Keep it short. For example, “I am worthy of love,” or “I am going to get ahead.” Recite your affirming thought throughout the day, every day, whenever you have a moment and envision yourself in the situation you desire. -Dr. Sandy

¹Benjamin Disraeli, British Conservative politician, writer and aristocrat in the 1800’s who twice served as Prime Minister

Where do you stand with the real enemy today?

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Our real enemy is neither war nor poverty. Our greatest opposition isn’t the economy or people with differing opinions. Our worse enemy is the inner critical voice that resides in each of us. It’s that voice that will not allow our success, security, or peace.

IMG_0916In the 16th century, Sir Thomas Browne became aware of this inner woe. He was an English polymath and author of varied works which revealed his wide learning in diverse fields including science and medicine, religion and the esoteric. He wrote, “But how shall we expect charity towards others, when we are uncharitable to ourselves? Charity begins at home, this is the voice of the world; yet is every man his greatest enemy, and, as it were, his own executioner.”

Our opponent is not the stock market or threat matrix; it’s the echo of self-degrading comments that arrests any love or kindness towards ourselves, and therefore; towards other people. We must break free. What are your thoughts, your comments, about where do you stand with your real enemy today? -Dr. Sandy

How were you rewarded for achieving as a child?

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What are the ways in which you were rewarded as a child for achieving?

From little on, most individuals are taught to strive for perfection in their IMG_0281.JPG (2)endeavors. Teachers applaud kids that get correct all the answers. Family members cheer the child who achieves and accomplishes. Those who seem to do things perfectly are praised and favored.

Yet reality tells us that there is good, and there is great, but perfect does not exist on a continual basis. Since you may have been taught as a child to seek a standard that is almost impossible to sustain, you may have an inner conflict between what you believe you must obtain, and what you actually can obtain.

You need to determine how important a certain standard is in every situation. But determining the importance of a standard should not come from an inner critical parental voice that berates less than perfect efforts.

Are you daily battered with the idea of perfection? Today, recognize that good and great outcomes are respected and valued. –sn

Do you remain living under the thumb of an inner critical voice?

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Is there evidence today that you remain living under the thumb of an inner critical parental voice? In the book Between Tears and Laughter, author Alden Nowlan writes, “The day the child realizes that all adults are imperfect he becomes an adolescent; the day he forgives them, he becomes an adult; the day he forgives himself he becomes wise.”

IMG_0203When we tell ourselves the same critical things our parents told us, we remain in a damaging childhood under the ever critical and condemning eye of disapproving and displeasing parents.

Not all of what we were told to believe in childhood is true. Critical remarks about mistakes are not true. Performance does not determine self-worth. Perfection does not define importance. Our significance is not dependent on another person’s opinion.

When we choose to tell ourselves today the same degrading remarks our parents verbalized, we linger in a harmful mental setting.

Today, share with me how you silence that inner critical voice. -sn

What Do You Get From Beating Yourself Up

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Until you accept and like yourself, no matter how much you achieve or obtain, it will never be IMG_0510 - Copyenough to make you happy. Happiness is the result of liking who you are. You can’t turn on yourself and feel happy or motivated about your life. You can’t beat yourself up and feel content and encouraged. Self-criticism will never motivate you to succeed. Catch your self-degrading thoughts. Catch them in the act. Interrupt the train of self-bashing. Stop it. —sn