Category Archives: Resentment

Anger and Frustration: You’re Killing Me

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Anger and Frustration: You’re Killing Me – Dr. Sandy Nelson

So here’s the deal with anger.

Some family origins consider anger and frustration a language. That’s how they communicate. They shout, they sass with words. Even pep talks are amped up with sarcasm and yelling. Ever watch The Sopranos? Some people are untroubled by the use of anger when they interact. But I think they’re a small CAPUPVE5CARS043CCAOF72XDCA75Z6V9CADGWZF6CAOBVH8ICANMHFYZCATKRO9PCA9XJ8MACAUZ5MIOCA45A0SUCA0R2TBZCAN0OEEQCAZF83JVCAI62Q52CAQ6I7R1CAP6RTDMCAF1ZI92group.

If you’re erupting in anger and frustration with strangers or yelling critical wisecracks at people you claim to love, regardless of the reason, YOU NEED HELP. If you blame others for making you mad, YOU NEED HELP. If you use your anger and frustration to threaten or scare people, YOU NEED HELP.

Anger increases your risk of depression, alcoholism, drug addiction, eating disorders and other compulsive behavior. Workaholism and marital affairs are strongly associated with anger. Anger causes you to make mistakes and use poor judgment. It makes you a reactaholic—when other people push your buttons, you become a reactor. It’s connected to violence, crime, spouse and child abuse. Anger creates power struggles.

Steven Stosny, Ph.D., a Clinical Psychologist, a consultant in family violence and a noted expert witness in criminal and civil trials, says, You have a resentment problem if some subtle form of resentment that you may not even be aware of, makes you do something against your best interest, or keeps you from doing something that is in your best interest.

Dr. Stosny offers an Anger Test and a Resentment Test to determine a current status with both. Are you ready?

ANGER TEST: Check each of the following that you experienced the past week.
____ Lost temper easily.
____ Got angry.
____ Got annoyed.
____ Felt rage.
____ Was impatient.
____ Felt restless.
____ Wondered why people can’t do what they should?
____ Got hot-tempered.
____ Had trouble sleeping.
____ Felt hostile.
____ Became infuriated.
____ Could not relax.
____ Became enraged.
____ Felt irritated by other people.
____ Felt like attacking people.
____ Was shaking with anger
____ Thought that if people would cooperate, you wouldn’t have these problems.
____ Got mad.

RESENTMENT TEST: Check all that apply. Do you ever feel . . .
____ Taken advantage of?
____ Manipulated?
____ Like whatever you do isn’t enough?
____ Unappreciated?
____ Like all you get from loved ones is a few crumbs now and then?
____ Like nobody understands you?
____ Like people rarely consider your feelings?
____ That you give more than you get?
____ Like hardly anything works the way it should?
____ That people hold you to a higher standard?
____ That you work harder than others for the same reward?
____ “Why should I be the only one who bothers?”
____ That you sometimes feel like nothing matters anyway?
____ “All I’ve done for them and look what . . .”
____ That you’d like to get back at those jerks?
____ That you can’t get over how unfair it is?

If you found yourself checking three or more statements as true for you in the Anger Test, Dr. Stosny would address you as having an anger problem. If you checked three or more as being true for you in the Resentment Test, Dr. Stosny suggests that you have a problem with resentment.

IMG_0222Some people view anger as power. A person who lacks self-worth, often demonstrates anger as a way to display power. To compensate for inferiority, insecure people use anger to show power. We can see this in bullies and batterers.

Now, if you can admit that maybe, just maybe, you might have a few issues in handling anger a better way, I have a FREE guaranteed way to chill frustration and anger, in 15 minutes, right now, privately. Just click HERE. Please.

FullSizeRender (8)Think about it.
drsandy@e-couch.net  ♦  ©All rights reserved 2014, Dr. Sandy Nelson, E-Couch.net  ♦  Photos courtesy of Pixabay.com unless otherwise indicated

Use Of Anger To Get Your Way – Dr. Sandy Nelson

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Some people use anger to get their way. Do you know someone like that?

They adopt anger for power. They mistakenly blame others for their own weaknesses, choices, or situations. In anger they justify hurting others to boost their deflated ego—to conceal their own fear and inadequacy.

Any situation that frustrates us, especially when we think someone else is to IMG_0508 - Copyblame for it, is a trigger for anger, resentment, and aggression. But detonating anger, and acting with violence, does not set one thing straight. In fact, it’s just the opposite. Reacting in anger destroys relationships—we lose cooperation, we lose integrity, we lose respect and we lose loved ones.

Anger that’s expressed reactively murders. It kills happiness, peace, trust, love, success, and dreams. It shortens life. People who can’t keep their temper under control and who tend to explode in anger double their risk of a heart attack.

How anger and resentment from disappointments, frustrations, and setbacks are handled influences not only our character, but also our physical and emotional health. While anger can be justified, exploding in anger is NEVER condoned.

whoaToday, if you’re about to lose your temper, remember it’s more than your cool that you will be losing. You will be losing not only the respect and regard of others, but also put your health in danger. If you want to be a leader in your company, in your family and in your community, you will need to manage your anger, and use self-control—refuse to blow up.

Learn to express anger calmly, showing regard for the people in the room. They will be more apt to listen and respect you for it. And you will be more on target to get what you want.

Think about it.FullSizeRender (8)

drsandy@e-couch.net  ♦  ©All rights reserved 2014, Dr. Sandy Nelson, E-Couch.net  ♦  Photos courtesy of Pixabay.com unless otherwise indicated

Ditch That Godawful Attitude Here – Dr. Sandy Nelson

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Beyond your heart beat, and everything, how do you know if you’re alive? Is there any excitement or interests in your life? Any passion?

Vernon Howard was a man on a mission. In his books and lectures, it was clear that each day he aspired everyone to experience an emotional awareness of being alive. He was probably one of the first trailblazers for mindfulness in the 1950’s with this statement Try to see what attitudes rule your day, then ask yourself what kind of a day you usually have.IMG_2308

What kind of days have you been having lately? Are you sick of the same crap? If the past week has been bleak and negative, or filled with resentment and criticism, chances are high that your attitude on those days has not been working well for you. The bold truth is that if you latch on to a negative outlook you’re experiences in life are going to be negative which then prompts a negative outlook, and so on.

Instead of waiting for life to treat you better before changing a negative attitude, change your attitude first. Focus on the good in your life, find it, accept “what is” in everyday situations, be thankful for what hasn’t gone wrong, and then expect the positive. With that outlook, you’re bound for a good day which then prompts a good attitude!

IMG_2327Joan Baez reminds all of us that: You don’t get to choose how you’re going to die. Or when. You can only decide how you’re going to live.

Most of us are guilty at some time or another of taking life for granted. We’re blinded with the eluding belief that there’s always tomorrow, and next week. In taking life for granted we become immune to the treasures found in each day and instead complain about this or that unfairness. We’re indifferent with other people. Instead of filled with kindness and gratitude, we’re filled with indifference and resentment.

Each dawn is to be a celebration because it’s a gift.  If tomorrow’s arrival was up in the air, how would you live today?

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Dr. Sandy Nelson

Think about it.

 

drsandy@e-couch.net  ♦  ©All rights reserved 2014, Dr. Sandy Nelson, E-Couch.net  ♦  Photos courtesy of Pixabay.com unless otherwise indicated

Dealing With Loss

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photo-camera-219958_150In the past decade, Americans have endured such ruin and bereavement that it compares to the years of the Great Depression under the failed policies of Hoover¹. People have lost their jobs, their savings, their homes, their cars, plus in many cases, their self-confidence. And there’s still an additional one in three Americans on the verge of financial ruin.²

American author and Social Worker Virginia Satir wrote: Life is not the way it’s supposed to be. It’s the way it is.

Well, unless you’re rich, the way it is sucks. It’s a good thing that we’re Americans because there are days that it’s only that spirit that has kept us going. It’s that tenacity found in our heritage that stirs the fight to endure. That and are own guts.

Psychologist and Business Consultant Dr. Kathryn D. Cramer says: People who suffer a loss must reinvent their lives.

Really? You think?

That reinvention isn’t a choice, it’s survival. It’s motivated by a resentment that isn’t often able to let go of the whys, the regrets, the anger, and the pressing sadness.

No one wants to grieve this crap. No one looks forward to Friday because they plan on grieving over the weekend. Grieving involves sadness, regret, heartbreak, weeping, suffering, and pain. Who wants to experience all that, at the same time, for a period of time?

It’s not only loss that requires change, it’s reality. It’s not optional. Something 793c70f5-805c-4b35-8655-785a91de8436-mediumisn’t the way it used to be and will never exist again. Something isn’t the way it should be and never will be again. The purpose of grieving is to adjust to the change in life that reality demands. It’s to bring us to the point of making necessary changes so we can adjust in healthy ways, even if we resent having to do so.

Think about it.

¹http://www.vanityfair.com/news/2007/12/bush200712

²http://www.marketwatch.com/story/1-in-3-americans-on-verge-of-financial-ruin-2015-02-23

drsandy@e-couch.net  ♦  ©All rights reserved 2014 Dr. Sandy Nelson E-Couch.net  ♦  Photos courtesy of Pixabay.com

Can you handle people who think they’re always right?

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Do you know people who, no matter what, are always right, never wrong, or so they think?

IMG_1440First of all, of course they want to be right. Of course they want to possess the correct answers, the right strategy, and the mental aptitude to solve the problems of the world! They even sustain a vision in their head where they are propped up on the shoulders of mankind amid the cheers and chanting of their name because, no matter what, they think they are right!

In a love relationship, fuhgeddaboudit. A partner who consistently believes he or she is right about pretty much everything, isn’t going to be in that relationship long enough to cite all their correct answers speech.

But why? Why do some people have a compulsive need to think they are always right? We all have that friend or that family member who always appears to be blemish free in their stories and who always has complaints about everything in life, plus all the remedies. Don’t they realize that we would hide behind a cactus to avoid a conversation with them?

Here’s some strategies to use with a person who is always right.

1. Silence. Yep, don’t respond to their victory lap stories. Don’t engage in the IMG_1918conversation. They’re waiting for you to say how amazing they are, so just do the ol’ smile and nod gesture, and remain silent. Stay calm. Don’t engage.

2. Excuse yourself. Get away from the one-way conversation by excusing yourself. Make up a reason if you need to, and you will probably need to. If you’re short of reasons to use, let me know. I got your back.

3. Assess if it’s the right time to convey your disdain. If you see the person who is always right just every Thanksgiving, it may not be worth a confrontation. But if it’s someone at work or a family member or friend you see on a regular basis, you need to honor your own being by speaking up.

4. Express yourself. Calmly state that you find it difficult to have a conversation with him/her because your thoughts or opinions are dismissed or corrected. Refuse to argue or debate with the person because it won’t work and will upset you more. Make your statement calmly and then walk away.

IMG_1946The need to be right is driven by a feature of pride and narcissism by some people where there’s an inability to admit error or apologize for being mistaken. They will bend the truth in a heartbeat so they can show others how right they are. Instead of examining mishaps or unwanted outcomes, some people are too wrapped up excusing their mistakes. Instead of understanding why an outcome occurred, some people are trying to still look good and dodge any blame.

The goal of those people who always have to be right, is to feel superior and gain the respect and awe of people for their all-knowing abilities. It’s sad they can’t see that the result is actually the opposite.

Think about it. In caring, Sandy

 

©All rights reserved, 2014, Dr. Sandy Nelson, E-Couch.net

Can love exist without getting hurt?

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Songs in the country music arena are often tuneful soap opera’s. Or, perhaps it’s that these particular song writers touch on the heartbreak reality that millions of people endure each day. Maybe you’ve seen this list of actual song titles that represent the jilt of love:

How Can I Miss You If You Won’t Go Away
Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth ‘Cause I’m Kissing You Goodbye
I Don’t Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling
If You Don’t Leave Me Alone I’ll Go And Find Someone Else Who Will
I Still Miss You Baby But My Aim’s Gettin’ Better
She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger
If I Shot You When I Wanted To I’d Be Out By Now
And my personal favorite: I’m So Miserable Without You It’s Like Having You Here

love2Funny, uh? Creative individuals make reflective writers, poets, and artists; and thanks to the dynamics of love relationships, our culture has been successful in producing sit-com’s, movies, music, plays, and books that portray the triumphs and tribulations of personal relationships. When it comes to a union between a woman and a man, along with a pledge of love, the promise of hurt is also guaranteed.

love3When someone is hurt or disappointed by the person he/she loves, there are various ways that wound is communicated: disbelief, anger, silence and sadness. When something is expected to happen, and it doesn’t, hurt and disappointment result. When something isn’t expected to happen, and it does, hurt and disappointment is experienced.

We’re hurt when an outcome isn’t what we anticipated. If we don’t care if something happens or not, then we don’t experience hurt. If we don’t have a preference, then we don’t have disappointment. The remedy then, to dodge heartache, seems to be clear—don’t expect.

But, is it realistic to think that relationships can exist without expectations? Is it possible to experience a love relationship that won’t disappoint?

Think about it! In caring, Sandy

 

©All rights reserved, 2014, Dr. Sandy Nelson, E-Couch.net

Need a brilliant idea? Hold a grudge.

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Hold a grudge. Now there’s a brilliant idea!

Yeah, cling to memories of betrayal and hurt. Ruminate over unfairness and CAPUPVE5CARS043CCAOF72XDCA75Z6V9CADGWZF6CAOBVH8ICANMHFYZCATKRO9PCA9XJ8MACAUZ5MIOCA45A0SUCA0R2TBZCAN0OEEQCAZF83JVCAI62Q52CAQ6I7R1CAP6RTDMCAF1ZI92injustice. Hold that bitterness close to your heart so that your entire attitude in life sucks and be sure everyone knows it. Feel entitled to take your anger out on other people—be mean, be blaming, be a bully. Yeah, hold a grudge and think that by doing so you’re somehow getting even. Don’t let the person off the hook–be sure to constantly remember the wrong-doing. Really mess up your head.

The only good holding a grudge has ever produced is the good hold it has on you going down. The wiser you are, the more you refuse to dwell in the toxicity IMG_0717of anger, bitterness, grudges, and resentment—the malignancy of emotions. Animosity eats away as you cling to injustices against you until you’re consumed with rogue anger and bitterness. Marriage to grudges and resentment has put many people in an early grave. The enormous energy connected to the emotion of hate changes the blood chemistry in a person to one that is favorable to disease. You lose power. You lose respect. You lose character. It’s not pretty. You won’t look cool. You won’t even recognize yourself.

Hate is a painful state of self-destruction because the mind is not intended to hate. It goes against the pure core of every human being. We were each born with an incredible expression of our inner purpose—to love ourselves and to love others.

If you’re holding a grudge, the release of that bitterness and resentment needs to be the priority for your own good health–physical and mental. Any period of time spent resenting man-439916_150someone else is time that you have chosen to feel miserable. The more occupied you are in disliking another person, the less occupied you are with pursuing your own happiness and success. You can’t resent or hate someone and feel any happiness or enthusiasm for life. Resentment, bitterness, anger, and grudges are all very expensive and costly to YOU, not to the person who caused it. These negative feelings don’t damage the other person, they damage you. So now you’ve doubled your pain.

The cure is forgiveness. Let it go. Move on. Get back to living. Regain your power and self-respect and loving nature. You can apply the healing balm of absolution and bask in the state of being emotionally malignant free. Only the foolish hang on to bitterness like a trophy. One can only hope that a day will arrive with the insight that the trophy is not an award, but actually a gravestone.

Think about it. In caring, Sandy

©All rights reserved, 2014, Dr. Sandy Nelson, E-Couch.net

Do you know the cancer of emotions?

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Someone very wise once said, “No matter what the problem—relationship conflicts, addictions, work struggles, illness—handling anger and resentments in healthy ways is a key to its solution.”
IMG_0901 - CopyIn the spring of 1894, the Baltimore Orioles came to Boston to play a routine baseball game. But what happened that day was anything but routine. The Orioles’ John McGraw got into a fight with the Boston third baseman. Within minutes all the players from both teams had joined in the brawl. The warfare quickly spread to the grandstands. Among the fans the conflict went from bad to worse. Someone set fire to the stands and the entire ballpark burned to the ground. Not only that, but the fire spread to 107 other Boston buildings as well.
Reactive anger that’s almost always conveyed by ranting insults, threats, and angerintimidation; and often physical abuse, is the cancer of emotions. It’s at the root of almost every emotional and physical problem. Resentment has been called the chief destroyer of the mind and the leading cause of misery, depression, disease, accidents, broken relationships, and criminal acts. Anger that is expressed in a rage, murders. It kills happiness, peace, love, fulfillment, respect, success, and dreams It shortens lifespans.
One of Rome’s most well-loved emperors, Marcus Aurelius, ruled with this wisdom: The most complete revenge is not to imitate the aggressor. Why would not attacking back be the sweetest form of revenge? After all, if you remain calm while the other person continues in a tantrum of yelling criticisms, how would that look? It would look like one of you is behaving like an adult and the other one like a two-year old. Hmm.
Spend today aware of how you convey anger. If it’s common that you “lose your temper,” please understand what your actions do to people around you. This is an agonizing way to live and completely unnecessary for them and you. Behave like an adult.
Thanks for your time and comments. – Dr. Sandy

©All rights reserved, 2014, Dr. Sandy Nelson, E-Couch.net

Is your acceptance conditional?

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Tolerance is the belief that people who disagree with us have the right to. Isn’t it important to accept and respect the opinions, thoughts, feelings, choices, and decisions of every individual rather than see it as a mission to convince the person why they’re wrong, misinformed, or whatever if their views are different?
IMG_0251When we accept and respect the beliefs of other people, we demonstrate tolerance—we allow them to be who they are and we focus on who we are. If we become upset, resentful, or hurt, when someone disagrees with our beliefs, then we’re not accepting and respecting the other person. We’re saying that our acceptance of them is conditional on their compliance with our opinions. As we accept others as they are, we’re able to learn about different beliefs and preferences of other people.

Controlling someone is the opposite of accepting someone because the acceptance is conditional on that person’s compliance—agreement with us. We place the other person in the position of having no freedom to disagree with us or state different thoughts, opinions, needs, or preferences. People do have the right to see things differently, to prefer something else, and to do things the way we wouldn’t. They may even be wrong, but people have the right to be wrong.

Look at any need to control other people today; and instead of attempting to sway them to your views, ask more about theirs. Dr. Sandy

©All rights reserved, 2014, Dr. Sandy Nelson, E-Couch.net

Where in your daily routine is your character tested?

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Where in your daily routine can you become more aware of showing disinterest with kindness rather than rudeness?

If you do not like someone, you may look for people who share your view of that person instead of correcting a critical and judgmental opinion within yourself. If someone hurts you, you may find someone to agree with why you are entitled to be furious, rather than correct a resentful attitude and respond in a healthy manner to that hurt.

IMG_0233.JPG (2)There’s good advice from the Chinese proverb: Not even the fastest horse can catch a word spoken in anger. Attacking the person who attacked you does nothing to prove that you are a mature adult. Acting like the person who mistreated you hollows your self-respect. Reacting in anger can never make things right.

Remember today that your character is always put to the test and is always visible. Choose wisely. –sn