Category Archives: Acceptance

The Most Respected Quality – Dr. Sandy Nelson

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Looking for love before developing a strong sense of self is like trying to find the mate of a shoe you’ve never seen. —Martha Beck

IMG_2973I sometimes long for childhood scenes where taking a stand for ice cream over cupcakes seemed easier than taking a stand for myself with other people as a grown-up. Let’s face it, when you express to someone your true thoughts and opinions, it’s a risk. What if you offend someone? What if they change their opinion of you? What if they get mad? What if you blow it? That’s a gamble. But to speak or act in contradiction to who you are is worse than the experience of disapproval from someone, isn’t it?

For some people, what determines their sense of self is having the approval of images (21)someone else. What determines their self-worth and happiness is how other people feel about them. Many individuals change their personality and opinions, at any given moment, to be accepted. It’s not a surprise that relationships are often rocky and shallow when people hide their true identity. So, make it a priority to know yourself so that you have a self others can honestly know.

In The Plateauing Trap, Judith M. Bardwick writes: Real confidence comes from knowing and accepting yourself—your strengths and your limitations—in contrast to depending on affirmation from others. 

Remember, every single person has strengths and weakness, attributes and handicaps, not just you and me, everyone. The more you embrace yourself—the good parts and the not so good parts—the more you radiate confidence because you know who you are and who you are not, and that is the most attractive trait anyone can possess. When you are genuine in who you are and not acting like a fraud of someone else, that’s appealing to others. People respect that quality, a lot.

Think about it.

drsandy@e-couch.net  ♦  ©All rights reserved 2014 Dr. Sandy Nelson E-Couch.net  ♦  Photos courtesy of Pixabay.com

The Key to Conversation – Dr. Sandy Nelson

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If I were to summarize in one sentence the single most important principle I have learned in the field of interpersonal relations, it would be this: Seek first to understand, then to be understood. This principle is the key to effective interpersonal communication. –Stephen Covey, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People

Stephen Covey tells a story of a father who came to him saying, “I can’t images (4)understand my kid. He just won’t listen to me.” Covey patiently tried to get the dad to see the inconsistency of his statement. You don’t understand people by getting them to listen to you. You understand them when you listen to them.

Ever jump to understand a person’s view that disagrees with yours?  The attempt to understand, or even listen, is not the first move of most people in conversation. People tend to jump to judge, to argue, to reject, to debate, but to understand? That’s in a minority of people.

images (66)But we can change that. and we need to. We can accept that listening to a differing view than ours is not going to cause the veins in our foreheads to explode. We can cool our jets of wanting to prove they’re wrong, and listen to others without creating a win-lose competition in conversation.

Listen up! If we want our point to be understood, it’s necessary to practice understanding the point of others. The basis of understanding and connecting with someone requires a lack of Drill-Sargent attitude and defensiveness. Sometimes we’re more interested in proving someone wrong than understanding a person’s opinions and beliefs. Instead of saying, “That’s not right,” it’s better to seek to understand and ask “Why do you think that?” This is the epitome of communicating with respect and unbiased mindfulness. Our relationships need this.

All advances to date in interests of humanity, medicine, and technology images (67)required open minds that sought to understand—that entertained differing views. But for some unfortunate people, most of their so-called reasoning consists in finding arguments to continue on believing as they already do. Their mind is closed. They have already judged their own opinion as being the only true and rational view and cling stubbornly to a mixture of unwarranted assumptions. This is fertile ground for intolerance to flourish.

Practice listening with the intention to understand, even if you disagree.

Think about it.

drsandy@e-couch.net  ♦  ©All rights reserved 2014 Dr. Sandy Nelson E-Couch.net  ♦  Photos courtesy of Pixabay.com

Seven Ways To Age With Spunk

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Let me ask you a question: what is your outlook about getting older?

forgetThis aging business is not for the weak. Aging. Growing older. Sucks. It takes guts. It feels like a second puberty stage, but in reverse. I resent aging. And I’m fighting it tooth and nail. My dresser top is packed with creams, serums, lotions, and round-Stridex-like-pads that are not Stridex, they are some type of over-the-counter peel. Is any of this stuff working? When will my 20-year-old lips return?

Why didn’t someone warn us about the changes that come with getting older? Why didn’t my mother pull me aside and say, “Look, one day you will have more crow’s feet than crows, and there will be a map of lines on your forehead, and the skin on your body will slide a full six inches down, but, hey, you’ll be okay.”

Of course everyone is aging as the years go by. It’s reaching a certain age, however, that shock and awe tend to take us by surprise. It occurs in front of a mirror where we view changes made by nature that only leave hints of our former self. There will be gasps of horror. What the hell happened? It’s different for each of us what age this is.

I often ask myself if I would blow 50K to have something done to my face and body to look younger. Women have, for a long time, worked to fight the aging process with plastic surgery. Men are doing more about their appearances, too. In February of 2014, The American Society of Plastic Surgeons reported that 15.1 million cosmetic procedures were performed in 2013 in the United States; which marked the fourth consecutive year of growth. When it comes to reversing signs of age, it appears many of us are taking it lying down. But, surgical alterations are not even an option for most of us.

Dealing With Loss

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photo-camera-219958_150In the past decade, Americans have endured such ruin and bereavement that it compares to the years of the Great Depression under the failed policies of Hoover¹. People have lost their jobs, their savings, their homes, their cars, plus in many cases, their self-confidence. And there’s still an additional one in three Americans on the verge of financial ruin.²

American author and Social Worker Virginia Satir wrote: Life is not the way it’s supposed to be. It’s the way it is.

Well, unless you’re rich, the way it is sucks. It’s a good thing that we’re Americans because there are days that it’s only that spirit that has kept us going. It’s that tenacity found in our heritage that stirs the fight to endure. That and are own guts.

Psychologist and Business Consultant Dr. Kathryn D. Cramer says: People who suffer a loss must reinvent their lives.

Really? You think?

That reinvention isn’t a choice, it’s survival. It’s motivated by a resentment that isn’t often able to let go of the whys, the regrets, the anger, and the pressing sadness.

No one wants to grieve this crap. No one looks forward to Friday because they plan on grieving over the weekend. Grieving involves sadness, regret, heartbreak, weeping, suffering, and pain. Who wants to experience all that, at the same time, for a period of time?

It’s not only loss that requires change, it’s reality. It’s not optional. Something 793c70f5-805c-4b35-8655-785a91de8436-mediumisn’t the way it used to be and will never exist again. Something isn’t the way it should be and never will be again. The purpose of grieving is to adjust to the change in life that reality demands. It’s to bring us to the point of making necessary changes so we can adjust in healthy ways, even if we resent having to do so.

Think about it.

¹http://www.vanityfair.com/news/2007/12/bush200712

²http://www.marketwatch.com/story/1-in-3-americans-on-verge-of-financial-ruin-2015-02-23

drsandy@e-couch.net  ♦  ©All rights reserved 2014 Dr. Sandy Nelson E-Couch.net  ♦  Photos courtesy of Pixabay.com

Do Men Owe Women? Before you say yes, read this

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In our civilization, men are afraid that they will not be men enough and women are afraid that they might be considered only women. -Theodor Reik (1888-1969) Psychoanalyst

How many times in your life, have you been in love? A man and woman union with love at its axis is a new pattern in human history. So, starting from the images (37)beginning of time until around 1930, love had literally zilch to do with matrimony. It’s reasonable to conclude that your great grandparents’ wedding was arranged without love’s infringement. Throughout history marriage has been the artifact of economic and political arrangement agreed upon by the parents of the couple, or by the government of the times that dominated the social law of wedlock. History reveals even in America, marriage has been faithfully a merger of need or convenience, not an act based on choice and love.

It was not until the late 18th century that a few male leaders of society began to toy with the novelty that marriage would be better if based on the passionate feelings and free choice of both individuals in the relationship. This change of heart represented the male concession to woman’s rights and their fight for Antisuffragists-e13299347546061equality in the early 1900s. However, even as recent as 1960, marriage remained a lopsided union between an obedient wife and a leading man—wives were to be compliant housewives and mothers, with men the superior breadwinners. Love might have been present in this union, but the pyramid of power had only one person at the top—the man—the husband and father. This is still true, today, in various cultures.

For centuries, young women were stuck, however reluctantly, to culture rules regarding female and male intimate relationships. They learned early from their Kitchen Scenefemale predecessors what to anticipate from a man, and it was rarely the promise to love, honor, and cherish with equality and faithfulness. Women may have doubted male superiority, but men remained with the power in the relationship. Societies squelch the female aptitude so women traditionally were dependent on a man to provide money, protection, food, and shelter. Any goals women may have had, like fulfilling personal aspirations, pursuing a talent or education, or insisting on an equal say in a relationship were not an option. Women, traditionally, were expected to tolerate male behavior. It was customary for our ancestor sisters to suffer irresponsibility, deceit, injuries, drunkenness, infidelity, rape, imprisonment, degradation, and inferiority in any relationship with a man.

Men have historically been in conflict with other men while their maltreated, indifferent women laid in waiting with Band-Aids and a beer for the heroic return. Traipsing off to battle to conquer a kingdom was (and still is) a guy thing. Men by nature compete to be right, to win, to have control, and to rule. Whether it was off to war or off to the saloon, men thought of a woman in basically the same category as wanting a hot bath and a turkey drumstick.

A look at women in history helps explain why relationships today with men are so screwed-up:

IN THE BEGINNING 4000 B.C. – 450 B.C. (about Genesis – Jonah)
~Women were prohibited to have a say-so anywhere, about anything.
~Women were denied rights over their body or life.
~Women were to make the home, children, and mate the priority in life.

GOLDEN AGE OF GREECE: 450 B.C. – 27 B.C. (about Micah – Malachi)
~High-class prostitutes were held superior to wives.
~When Greek men fell in love, they were considered sick.
~Wives were considered only as housekeepers and mothers.
~Wives were not allowed to eat at the same table as her husband.
~Kings claimed they descended from gods; and held all-powerful positions.

ROMAN EMPIRE: 27 B.C. – 385 A.D. (about Matthew – Revelations)
~Love in Rome was guilt-free sex, not a feeling.
~Women remained inferior to men and under Roman rule.

DECLINE OF ROMAN EMPIRE: 376 A.D. – 476 A.D.
~Women were considered sex and labor slaves.
~Women born into royalty were raised as sexual partners for Kings.

CHRISTIANITY & THE DARK AGES: 385 A.D. – 1000 A.D.
~In 585 A.D. the Church argued that women did not have a mortal soul.
~Religion viewed sex as an unromantic, harsh, and an ugly act.
~By the 1st Century, women were viewed as disposable property.
~The Church sanctioned wife beatings.
~Only small fines were enforced for killing women.
~Noblemen had the right to rape any woman.

PRE-RENAISSANCE RISE OF COURTLY LOVE: 1000 A.D. – 1300 A.D.
~Courtly Love was a relationship considered to make men better warriors.
~The sex act was considered false love.
~It was believed that unsatisfied passion improved character.
~Women were viewed as utensils.

THE CHURCH VS. THE RENAISSANCE: 1300 A.D. – 1500 A.D.
~Religious people saw Courtly Love as sinful.
~By 1450 A.D. the Church believed all physically desirable women were witches.
~The Pope authorized the burning death of 30,000 women.
~Pope Alexander VI possessed many teenage mistresses.
~Marriage remained a lifelong financial transaction that took place when a girl was 14-16 years old, and included a dowry plus income/property guarantees.
~As the Renaissance enlightenment prevailed; people associated sex with love.
~A new idea that married couples should live together alone in a dwelling of their own began circulating in the 17th Century.
~Wife beating was legal.

THE PURITANS: 1500 A.D. – 1700 A.D.
~Dr. Martin Luther battled Catholic beliefs asserting that sexual impulses
were natural and irrepressible.
~Women remained inferior to men, dominated by the male population,
religious judgment and discrimination.
~Henry VIII put two wives to death for unproven adultery, though he had several mistresses while married.

THE AGE OF REASON: 1600 A.D. – 1800 A.D.
~By the mid-18th Century man turned “to reason.”
~Louis XIV set rules of etiquette to suppress all evidence of emotion.             ~Men viewed women as ornaments, unreasonable nitwits, and subservient. ~Love was a malicious sport with the motive to seduce; flirtation became a common societal hobby.

VICTORIANISM & THE RISE OF CAPITALISM: 1850 A.D. – 1900 A.D.
~U.S. Surgeon General, William Hammond, stated that decent women felt not the slightest pleasure during sex.
~Many physicians considered sexual desire in women pathological.
~The 1842 edition of Encyclopedia Britannica stated that women had no privileges or rights in marriage.
~The clinging-vine persona in women developed as the culture encouraged women to be modest, sweet, weak, and anxious to be dominated by men.
~Men had legal power over their wives and could imprison or beat them.
~Women were not allowed to vote.
~Married women had no property rights.
~Divorce and child custody laws favored men.
~Women were not allowed to attend college.
~Women were forbidden to serve on a jury.
~Women were forbidden to participate in political or church leadership.
~Elizabeth Cady Stranton began in 1848 The Women’s Rights Movement to achieve full civil rights for all women.
~Sigmund Freud concluded females suffered neurosis and had little purpose.

20th CENTURY ROMANTIC LOVE: 1900 A.D. – 1930 A.D.
~In 1920 women won the right to vote; 72 years after its initiation.
~Romantic attraction became the basis for choosing a partner.
~Divorce rates grew although a woman’s place was still in the home.
~Birth control information started circulating secretly.
~Women were mainly housewives and caretakers to men and children.
~The restrictive clothing don by women for centuries began to loosen up.

MODERN ROMANTIC LOVE: 1930 A.D. – 1970 A.D.
~Dating started in 1930 as a new method of mate selection.
~Women were expected to adopt behaviors to build up a man’s image.
~Alfred Kinsey provided specific details that changed views on sex.
~Playboy franchise created in 1953 exploited women who consented.
~Women were allowed to enter college, sports, politics, and military.
~In 1963, The Equal Pay Act required equal wages for women.
~In 1967, a law prohibited any hiring bias against women.
~Women could not obtain credit.
~California became first state to adopt a no-fault divorce law.

CONTEMPORARY RELATIONSHIPS: 1970 A.D. – PRESENT
~Ms Magazine published in 1971, sold out 300,000 copies in 8 days.
~Marriage no longer mandatory for financial support.
~Supreme Court ruled in 1971 unmarried woman’s right to use contraceptives.
~The word obey is dropped from female vow in marriage ceremonies.
~Marriage rates fell.
~In 1976, the first marital rape law was enacted.
~In 1988, women were paid 32 percent less than men for same job.
~Despite working, women were expected to be caretaker at home.
~Women entered politics and held government positions.
~Sexual discrimination suits toward women flooded courts.

IMG_0994Attitudes toward women today are, at best, trying to be politically correct in America. There remains an undertow of inbred inferior opinions towards the female sex in business. During water cooler chats men still minimize a woman’s abilities and degrades her existence within a company. Despite the gains over the years to show women equal respect as a man, women are still being raped, trafficked, violated and discriminated against — not just in the rest of the world, but here in the United States. And though feminists continue to fight gender injustices, most men seem to think that outside of a few lingering battles, the work of the women’s movement is done.

Do you think men today are afraid of equality with women or simply
stuck under the influence of history in their interpretation of women roles?

Think about it. Look for Do Men Owe Women?, Part 2, tomorrow.

 

©All rights reserved, 2014, Dr. Sandy Nelson, E-Couch.net
Photos courtesy of Pixabay.com

Dealing With Disappointment

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There’s no doubt that today we live in a spoiled society. There’s little delayed gratification and a lot of stuff we feel entitled to have, or to experience—now. The more things we think are deserved or that we should possess, the more disappointed we are when it doesn’t occur.

IMG_0866 - CopyDr. David Brandt, author of Is That All There Is? wrote: Not all disappointments are equal. Some are devastating. Others scarcely seem to matter. It all depends upon the degree of emotional involvement in the expectation. The greater the investment, the more severe the disappointment. The greater the underlying wish for an event to occur, the stronger the pain when it doesn’t. 

French author and Nobel Prize winner, Andre Gide, was right when he said: Long only for what you have. However, no one really wants to hear that. Instead of recognizing on a daily basis what we already possess and then work towards what we want, we may recognize on a daily basis what we don’t have and ignore what we do. We may dwell on what’s lacking in our life, and harp on all the instances we failed to acquire what we wanted. This type of attitude towards disappointment can destroy self-esteem, gratitude, and motivation.

Individuals who often experience disappointments may not be able to identifyfailure1 what disappointments are intended to teach. There could be a pattern of expectations that are not rooted in reality. Dr. David Brandt puts it this way: Whether out of fear, disapproval, or anxiety, those who repeatedly experience disappointment have a psychological history that has produced expectations that are unrealistic, too absolute, too high or low. They need to readjust those expectations, but forces in their personality prevent them from doing so. 

If we don’t process disappointment, accept the outcome and adjust to the reality that is presented, we’ll continue to want what we can’t have while taking for granted the many blessings inside our front door. We may think that having something or someone is necessary in order to feel happy and okay. Thinking that we “have to have” anything places the source of our well being and happiness dependent on something outside ourselves.

Acceptance of “what is,” is a struggle only when we can’t let go of the attachment to what we wanted. This doesn’t mean that we don’t try again or plan something different in order to get what we want, it means that we accept that it wasn’t acquired this time. It’s important to accept and appreciate what we have, and to keep thinking of what we want and plan the next effort to get it.

Think about it.

 

©All rights reserved, 2014, Dr. Sandy Nelson, E-Couch.net
Photos courtesy of Pixabay.com

What’s so bad about Perfectionism?

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People are scrambling to be the perfect employee, the perfect asset, the perfectperfect2 person, bent on seeking achievement and anticipating rewards for flawless performance. The paradox is that the reward remains out of reach because they never obtain the flawless standard set for the prize. They end up chasing rewards like the proverbial dangling carrot always within reach but not quite obtainable. Such is the never-ending spin of those caught in the cycle of perfectionism. Check out these signs of a Perfectionist:

____ I beat myself up or punish myself when I fail.
____ I hide my flaws, limitations, or weaknesses.
____ Accepting myself is only possible if I don’t make a mistake.
____ It’s hard for me to admit that I was wrong about something.
____ I’d like others to view me as not having faults.
____ It bugs me if things are out of place.
____ If I can’t do something perfect I don’t want to do it.
____ There’s a right way that most things need to be done.
____ Oversights are not acceptable.
____ If it’s not perfect I must keep trying.
____ People respect me when I’m flawless.
____ I’m often amazed at the incompetence of other people.

If the above list sounds like you, it reflects that you may be caught in the spin cycle of perfectionism. That makes you prone to procrastinate, relationship difficulties, controlling behavior, depression, anxiety, substance abuse, low self-worth and physical illness.

As a recovered perfectionist, it‘s easy to see perfection disease in others. Some perfect3years ago, one particular woman in my office captured my compassion as she struggled to understand the thinking that could free her from the compulsive need to be perfect. I recall a conversation I had with her where I said a few things about her present mind-set in the direct, yet hopefully caring way I’m known for. And what she said I still recall today. She was angry with me because what I said upset her. She viewed her upset as sinful and in her snit she barked “You made me sin today.”

I remember being still in amazement of that statement, and that amazement remains with me now because I do not believe it’s what God intends for us to think. After a pause, I replied to her in a low voice, “Gee, I sin every day.”

Many Christians believe that they are to live as perfect beings. Their doctrine sounds like this… After all, Jesus Himself said it, right? It’s in black and white—perfectright there in Matthew 5 verse 48. From His own lips Jesus said Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect. See? Be perfect—just like God. Not half right and half not right—perfect! That’s why mistakes are bad and failure is so shameful. That’s why all this talk about accepting your limitations and weaknesses, and laughing at your mistakes is not right! Errors tell the story of faults and inadequacy. Shortcomings are an outrage and certainly short of the command Jesus made: Be perfect—just like God!

perfect18Here’s the problem with that thinking…Be perfect just like God? Wouldn’t that mean be like God? If we were like God, wouldn’t that mean we’d be equal with God? And heck, if we were equal with God then we wouldn’t really need God for anything because we’d be our own gods. Hey, that can’t be what Jesus is requesting. That can’t be right. The emphasis on the command to be perfect is not on a flawless performance or a perfect moral nature. The Greek word translated as perfect in this passage means “to mature and grow in wisdom.” The word perfect is defined as completion or maturity, not sinless perfection.

Living is not a mandatory pursuit of perfection. God does not expect you to be perfect and He knows the truth about you—that you are imperfect and that you’ll remain imperfect this side of heaven:

Don’t be eager to tell others their faults, for we all make many mistakes. James 3:1
If you claim to be without sin, you deceive yourself, the truth isn’t in you. 1 John 1:9
Admit your weaknesses to one another. James 5:16
If we say that we have no sin, we make God a liar. 1 John 1:10
For all have sinned and fall short. Romans 3:23
I have come not to call the righteous, but the sinners. Matthew 9:13
They are all under sin. Romans 3:9

Neither you nor I can ever be perfect on this earth. What we can accomplish is wisdom from mistakes, maturity from errors, good judgment from bad judgment, freedom from the lies by believing the Truth. This means accepting that mistakes will continue—yours and others. It means accepting that you’re flawed and so is everybody else—even those who can’t admit it.

Jesus never said that Godly maturity is a lack of mistakes. To be perfect means perfect7to acknowledge you don’t know a lot of stuff and you’re willing to learn more. There’s no gaining His approval by your performance. You cannot earn His favor—you can only receive it. God’s love for you is about who you are, not what you do. And this is what motivates people with healthy mind-sets to grow in wisdom—they’re not motivated because of their perfect efforts, they’re motivated because they’re loved.

Think about it! In caring, Sandy

Share your opinion about perfection!–Just click on “Leave a reply” found at the top of this page.

 

Will you hurry the hell up?

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Impatient people are trying to have a life that can never be. They struggle to accept a world that is not perfect. Everyone has a different speed of performing patiencetasks. There will always be situations where delays exist in waiting rooms or waiting in line. Postponements and cancellations are part of life. So is road construction, dead batteries, noise, indigestion, rules, pet hair, potholes, and static cling. But a disturbance in the plans of an impatient individual often produces anger and intolerance. Psychologist and author, Joseph Bailey, says “When you get impatient, you become irritated and judgmental, and that creates distance between you and the other person.”

If you are burdened with impatience, you embark on a never-ending voyage of negativity and unhappiness. When your day is interrupted with delays and inconveniences you may act on faulty thinking and just give-up in a heap of frustration. You might conclude that if there’s going to be obstacles than just forget it—if there’s hassles, then you don’t need the aggravation. You may give up on your job, your education, your relationships, your family. That’s one way that impatience impacts thinking—you give up, quit.

Another outcome from impatience is reactive behavior. You might impulsively do something or say something without thinking—you wig out. When someone isn’t following your game plan, you’re off on a tirade. You explode with criticisms, you make degrading comments—you hurt other people.

As it was last year, last month, and last Friday, the same is true today: you’ll encounter many situations where your way, choice, expectation, or preference doesn’t occur. Around each bend there are cliffs of failure, walls of disappointment, and highways of the unexpected. Each day presents you with numerous moments that require patience—restraint of anger and frustration.

Some people would debate that it’s human nature to be disappointed with an unwanted outcome. That it’s natural to experience frustration when met with defeat. That it’s to be expected to feel a let down when expectations fail to patience1materialize. Yet, the reaction or response to disappointment, frustration, and mistakes that befall human beings varies. Some people display unhealthy tantrum-like opposition in rebellion. Some people, smiling or not, patiently endure waiting with little or no outward demonstration of upset. One thing for sure: you can’t have patience and lack self-control. When you’re impatient, you’re not self-controlled—you’re not in command of yourself. Patience is tolerance that allows and respects others’ preferences or methods without necessarily agreeing. Since an impatient person isn’t a happy person, you’ll not likely experience happiness without a high level of patience—patience with yourself and others.

Think about it. In caring, Sandy

©All rights reserved, 2014, Dr. Sandy Nelson, E-Couch.net

Do you possess honor?

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Other people learn how to treat us when we tell them what’s acceptable behavior around us and what is not; what actions we will let slide, and what attitudes we’ll not back down on. How someone behaves toward us, or treats us, has been communicated to them through our interactions.

site8 - CopyTo think that someone will stop unacceptable actions if you just ignore it or ignore them, isn’t likely to happen. But remember, the point of stating what’s acceptable and unacceptable to you, isn’t to manipulate or control the other person either. The purpose of giving yourself a voice isn’t to get the person or situation to change to your liking. The reason for stating your thoughts, opinions, and needs is to honor your identity–your SELF. You verbalize thoughts and opinions to give integrity to your self-respect and special being. You acknowledge that you’re a separate individual with values, priorities, and principles. When someone else communicates his or her thoughts, opinions, value, priorities, and principles to you, they are either acceptable and agreeable to you or not acceptable and not agreeable. They are not stated for debate or judgment.

Today, resist the urge to tell someone that their thoughts are wrong, or attempt to change the person. Either accept the person, and nurture the relationship, or realize there’s no compatibility and accept that no deep relationship or friendship is likely with that person. Dr. Sandy

©All rights reserved, 2014, Dr. Sandy Nelson, E-Couch.net

Is your acceptance conditional?

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Tolerance is the belief that people who disagree with us have the right to. Isn’t it important to accept and respect the opinions, thoughts, feelings, choices, and decisions of every individual rather than see it as a mission to convince the person why they’re wrong, misinformed, or whatever if their views are different?
IMG_0251When we accept and respect the beliefs of other people, we demonstrate tolerance—we allow them to be who they are and we focus on who we are. If we become upset, resentful, or hurt, when someone disagrees with our beliefs, then we’re not accepting and respecting the other person. We’re saying that our acceptance of them is conditional on their compliance with our opinions. As we accept others as they are, we’re able to learn about different beliefs and preferences of other people.

Controlling someone is the opposite of accepting someone because the acceptance is conditional on that person’s compliance—agreement with us. We place the other person in the position of having no freedom to disagree with us or state different thoughts, opinions, needs, or preferences. People do have the right to see things differently, to prefer something else, and to do things the way we wouldn’t. They may even be wrong, but people have the right to be wrong.

Look at any need to control other people today; and instead of attempting to sway them to your views, ask more about theirs. Dr. Sandy

©All rights reserved, 2014, Dr. Sandy Nelson, E-Couch.net