When a relationship is in trouble there’s a tendency to want to blame someone and to focus on the faults and wrong-doings of the other person. This not only doesn’t work, it’s destructive. The correct choice is to focus on yourself—your thoughts, feelings, attitude, and actions—not the thoughts, feelings, attitude and actions of your partner. Focus on what you need to be giving (as difficult as that might be), not on what you’re not getting. Take responsibility for your part in the relationship that has contributed to its unhappiness.
In Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People, Elizabeth Brown writes: Do you really want to bring about positive change in your relationship? If so, you must be willing to change first. Unless you change first, it is unlikely your relationship will do anything but sink deeper into distress.
And Robin Norwood tells us: At the bottom of all our efforts to change someone else, is a basically self-centered motive, a belief that through his changing we will become happy. There is nothing wrong with wanting to be happy, but to place the source of that happiness outside ourselves, in someone else’s hands, means we are denying our abilities to change our own lives for the better and refusing to take responsibility for doing so.
When you change how you treat yourself, you change your life. Your happiness and enthusiasm comes from within you. Your happiness isn’t dependent on something or someone else. Your happiness depends on you. How you feel is up to you.
No one is happy by accident. It requires self-awareness of where your thinking may be inaccurate. If you’re unhappy, you need to explore what it is that you’re doing to cause that unhappiness. If you’re unhappy, that’s your deal—your responsibility. It isn’t up to anyone to make you happy.
Relationships are to add to your happiness, add to your life. Relationships are not a substitute for your own life. Another human being cannot make you whole and complete. You’re the only one who can do that. The daily conversation that you have the most is the one you have with yourself. You talk to yourself more than everybody in your life combined. If that conversation is degrading, unloving, and critical, is it any wonder that your self-esteem may be zero?
Are your thoughts helping you or hurting you today?
Think about it. In caring, Sandy